Living With What is to Happen

             When Liz here was young, in any situation in which a decision was required, she would ask herself what she wanted. The answer was not always clear. Most situations had pros and cons and she was conflicted. Eventually, of course, something would happen, seemingly by her decision or not, and she would have to deal with what she felt were the “cons” of the situation.

“What do you want?” is a question family and friends and therapists will ask you when you are confronted with a choice. The answer might tell you about yourself but not about what will happen. Everything that unfolds is predetermined. Your person’s life is unfolding as part of a greater unfolding (what most call God). If you cannot accept this, you can at least see that in any given situation rarely is your choice the only factor in what occurs. Sometimes even when you’ve made a choice you find that choice remade for you. For example, you are conflicted about taking a certain business trip and finally decide to do it. Before you get too far making arrangements, the situation changes and the trip is no longer necessary. What seemed like your choice never was your choice. When it comes to knowing your personal self, the question is “What do I want?” But when it comes to taking action, the better question is, “What is to happen?”

Many things occur that are not our choice because we live in a larger story than just our own. You didn’t want that hurricane, but it happened. You didn’t vote for that candidate, but they won. You face these facts, you deal with your negative feelings about them, you adjust. This is adulting. You can also approach situations in which it seems you have choice with the same recognition that your person is not autonomous but part of a greater whole. For example, your dysfunctional sister with whom you have created boundaries wants to reconnect. You are conflicted. You really don’t want her drama in your life, but she is your sister after all, you do love her, and you do often enjoy her. You can’t decide. So, instead of “What do I want?” you ask, “What is to happen?” If the answer is you will be reconnecting, then you will deal with your negative feelings about reconnecting. If the answer is no, you are not reconnecting now, you are relieved of guilt for not reconnecting. It wasn’t going to happen anyway. It was never up to you.

If it isn’t clear to you, you can discover what is to happen by letting go of the situation. You will find the answer comes to you. Or you will find yourself acting. Whatever happens was always going to happen, no matter how it seems you came to the situation. No matter how you feel about it.

When you realize that what is unfolding is predetermined, there is no place for regret. Oh, you may regret how you left a situation but not that you left it, because you were going to. You can make amends for the “how”. You may resent that something happened that you didn’t want, or you may regret that you wanted a situation that turned out bad, but regret that you chose it is not appropriate because it was never up to you. You can release resentment and ask to see your situation another way instead of remaining a victim. You can release regret that you wanted something that turned out bad by learning from it. You can undo regrets you’ve carried when you look back over your life and understand that what happened was always going to happen and what didn’t happen was never going to happen.

Even when your yes lines up with what is unfolding it doesn’t always mean the ultimate outcome that you want. For example, an athlete trying to rise to the professional level works hard at training and practice but doesn’t break into the pros. He begins to question if he should continue working so hard to do so. But he feels that, yes, he is to continue. This does not mean, however, that he will eventually rise to the professional level of his sport. But whatever happens, he can trust it was to unfold that way, and accept what happened, what he gained, and what he learned along the way.

Recognizing that you are part of something greater means taking life a day at a time. If planning for the future is necessary, those plans will arise naturally. It is a very flowy way to live. But it does mean you realize your actions do not come from your desires. You don’t have to repress your desires but simply deal with whatever feelings arise when what unfolds, unfolds. 

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