The Two Parts of Ego

          One of the first words I understood A Course in Miracles to redefine, as it did with so many, was ego. It clearly referred to something more than just pride or self-centeredness or one part of the human psyche that, along with the id and superego, Sigmund Freud had defined. I understood ego in the Course to mean the whole personal experience. I discovered in time that most students understood this right away, too.

If you’ve had more than insights but mystical experiences, then you are aware that pure consciousness is more than just perceiving differently or perceiving something different, it is a different experience of existence. While I referred to ego as a thought system as its mind structures were what I dealt with daily, I was aware that if it fell away, there would be a shift in the experience of existence. However, I didn’t realize these two aspects would not wholly fall away together.

The ego thought system, which I have referred to as the psychological ego (the “conditioned mind” in other traditions), is what we tend to think of as ego. It is a system of beliefs and structures that uphold ego, the person, and the material world as reality. This is the aspect of ego that you can “work on”. You can question ego’s thoughts and beliefs and stories for the person. You can examine its structures and determine their value to you. You can learn to watch ego’s thoughts and let them come and go. This is how a teaching like the Course mitigates the pain of ego. Basically, ego learns to deal with its most difficult aspects to live a better life. If these practices are taken far enough, they lead to what is called self-realization, an ego wholly comfortable with itself and adjusted to its world. This is the spiritual goal for many and results in what is sometimes called the authentic or true self. Sometimes these practices open the way to clearer seeing if glimpses of truth do occur, but they do not cause them.

But the ego thought system arises in support of an ontological denial of truth that results in a distinct experience of existence. This seems like reality until you have the only other experience possible, pure consciousness, the truth of consciousness. The experience of existence that is denial of truth is what I have called the ontological ego and it is what you cannot affect through any practice or process. It cannot be changed; it cannot be made to fall away. It is either here or not. Until it is gone, pure consciousness can only be glimpsed, not fully experienced. And the only cause of it falling away is pure consciousness rising fully to conscious awareness. This is not something you can cause, attain, or achieve. It is caused by the movement of pure consciousness, not the actions of ego.

As this drew near here, it felt like I was in another dimension. I often felt like a “ghost in the world”—I wasn’t really in the world anymore, just seeing it and being less affected by it as Liz continued to walk around in it. And then in a moment (The Break), “I” was gone—that denial of truth, the heart, the core, the foundation, the very premise of ego, had fallen away and the new dimension, pure consciousness, was here.

In retrospect I can see how the experiences of a new dimension signaled that ego was dribbling away and The Break was the final drop. But in that moment, what felt like “me”, that distinct experience of existence, of life, of reality, was gone. It was no longer “I’m in a new dimension.” It was, “A new dimension is here.” However, the ego thought system remained. I heard it would “wind down” and in my case—not everyone’s—it has done so by its aspects as well as its stories for and experiences of Liz rising fully to conscious awareness before they fall away. Its power has greatly diminished in this process, revealing it as an empty shell. Ego only seems to still be here because its thought system still asserts itself, but its foundation, denial of truth, is gone because truth (the “new dimension”) has risen to conscious awareness.

And it seems this is the way it goes for many who experience enlightenment—a distinct moment when “I” fall away followed by a long process of the ego thought system undoing. In fact, many practices that are taught by advanced teachers come out of what arises spontaneously after the ontological ego has fallen away. There is nothing left to do anything, and the ego thought system is seen to be false, so watching its structures fall away is all that can occur. But, perhaps not understanding this, some teach what now comes naturally to them as though it is a cause rather than an effect. Those practices become what people who have not had the foundation of ego fall away use to attain self-realization or to try to make ego fall away.

So, ego’s “spiritual journey”, whether it be “purifying” ego or ends in enlightenment, is caused by truth rising to conscious awareness. This results in the spiritual study and practice and process one feels moved to engage in. For the ego thought system, this can lead to psychological and emotional shifts. The ones that spiritual students seek through spiritual “work” are “awakenings” when pure consciousness is glimpsed, as during near death or mystical experiences. Again, no practice can cause these but may make the way for them to arise more clearly if they do occur. And these glimpses of truth may lead to significant personal transformations, but they still occur in ego consciousness. Ego validates itself through them, but they do point to truth, pure consciousness beyond ego (what most call “God”) no matter what ego does with them.

Ego turned out to be far more of the experience here than it allowed into awareness. Denying truth meant—no surprise—it denied the full extent of itself as well. But ego also turned out to be less, because it made no distinction between itself and pure consciousness. This is how it made itself seem real to itself. In fact, ego only appears in pure consciousness and its denial of this does not survive pure consciousness rising to conscious awareness, no matter its thought system takes a while to wind down.

 

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