Judge Not What You're Called to Do

            A common theme in my writing once I began to shift consciousness was “this is not unfolding as I expected.” I didn’t know that I could not know what to expect. To a large degree, spiritual teachings have come down through contemplatives, who live a unique life away from the world, follow a strict tradition, and therefore have every reason to know from predecessors what to expect. As I said last week, students of A Course in Miracles do not have, and will never have, such a tradition. We follow Spirit and for each of us, our way will unfold uniquely.

Keep this in mind as well when you read stories of awakenings and wonder which teacher’s experience is authentic and which is not, as they can sound so varied. I hear and read a lot of judgment from students who say things like, “No one who is awakening would say that, do that, think that…” Oh, you don’t know what they are called to think, say, do! If it is you part to awaken, you don’t know what you will be called to think, say, do. Notice that for the Period of Unsettling you are told that you must learn to put all judgment aside. This is why.

Much of my own confusion and discomfort has come from being “aware of dreaming” on one hand while on the other I still think the person’s thoughts, have her feelings, and act as her, often in ways I wish I was not to act.

Ten or eleven years ago, I became aware the Enlightened Mind was already here while part of my mind still seemed to be in a process of attainment. I returned to this awareness often, but I still identified with she who seemed to be in a process. Until The Break when my consciousness shifted. Then I seemed to have switched places. The person still seems to be playing a role in the Atonement while I stand at the end of it. My Identity is Spirit, yet I still think, feel, and act the person. This has been very disorienting and has taken a long time to sort out.

Ego was my identification with the person. That is gone, and with it went the person I thought I was. But the mechanics of ego are still here, and the person still sometimes responds as though from ego. And it does not just show up with others. Its thoughts and feelings may run when I am alone, I assume because they interact energetically with the whole. But I quickly recover from ego and when it is time for its thoughts and feelings to be done, they come to an abrupt end.

For the longest time I waited for this to change. It has not. Instead, I have acclimated to it. As Spirit, I watch, and even “mentor” the person from time to time, when I am not thinking, feeling, or acting her. The person, and even ego, are instruments in the Atonement.

How could I have foreseen this, when all I heard about awakened dreaming was ego “falling away” and living in love and peace and joy? Since my shift, I have read or heard of similar, but not identical, experiences to mine. I have read or heard of various experiences after one enters an awakened dream. (In fact, Bernadette Roberts, a contemplative, said eventually one’s life just goes on normally, something no one told her. All the writing of contemplatives seemed to stop at the bliss after coming out of the Dark Night of the Soul and went no further.)  Each of us plays a unique part. Not all who enter an awakened dream are to become detached teachers, holding ourselves apart from the human drama. Often, in the end, the only one to know one has entered an awakened dream is the one who has done so. It does not always show up in ways others would recognize.

It has been very difficult to awaken with ego still here. Besides this being disorienting, ego has reinterpreted and distorted every step. As I am in touch with my Power now, ego has been as powerful as ever. But as I emerge more in my awareness as Spirit, it gets easier as ego rises and passes as needed, and if I don’t identify with or judge it (same thing), it is not so uncomfortable.

Know as well, it has not been wholly difficult. I experience true forgiveness and have seen Pure Innocence—the real world. The joy I experience as Spirit compensates for the discomfort of still acting in the Atonement.

So, again, check your expectations. And your judgment on others. An awakened dream might not be what you think. I say this not to discourage you, but to prepare you.

 

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