Sometimes Forgiveness Means Moving On
So often I hear from students who are deliberately staying in a painful situation because they think that they “should”, they think that they are still in the situation because they haven’t forgiven “enough”, they are waiting for the “miracle” that will transform the situation. They will say they have tried and tried to forgive the person/people/situation but he/she/they/it has not changed. But forgiving means letting go, and that often shows up as you moving on. To deliberately stay in a bad situation is not forgiveness, or waiting for forgiveness; it’s self-flagellation. A situation that they recognized they needed to forgive is now being used by the ego in their mind to point out how they have “failed” to forgive.
I hear about this form of self-flagellation often in regard to relationships. You change when you become a student of A Course in Miracles, and your relationships with others around you may no longer reflect your new values. Sometimes others fall away from you; sometimes you have to be the one to leave. I have even heard of those who stay in downright abusive relationships who heap further abuse on themselves by feeling that they have “failed” to see Christ in their abuser because their abuser hasn’t changed! All relationships with others are relationships with yourself. If you are in an abusive relationship, then you are using another to abuse yourself. Christ is in you, and as you get in touch with this Fact and become aware of your Inherent Worth, “seeing Christ” means letting go of the abuser that you have projected onto another. Rarely, the other will change as you no longer accept abuse; but more often you have to move away from the abuser as a demonstration to yourself that you really do value yourself now.
Forgiving a situation means recognizing it is not real – it has no value for you - and this awareness sometimes leads you to leave behind a situation that no longer serves you. To decide that a miracle can only show up in a certain form is to miss the miracle. The miracle always occurs in your mind; what shows up “out there” is only the result of the miracle. When you forgive you will know what you have to do, and if you don’t move on when you know you need to, you are not accepting the miracle that is offered.
I hear about this form of self-flagellation often in regard to relationships. You change when you become a student of A Course in Miracles, and your relationships with others around you may no longer reflect your new values. Sometimes others fall away from you; sometimes you have to be the one to leave. I have even heard of those who stay in downright abusive relationships who heap further abuse on themselves by feeling that they have “failed” to see Christ in their abuser because their abuser hasn’t changed! All relationships with others are relationships with yourself. If you are in an abusive relationship, then you are using another to abuse yourself. Christ is in you, and as you get in touch with this Fact and become aware of your Inherent Worth, “seeing Christ” means letting go of the abuser that you have projected onto another. Rarely, the other will change as you no longer accept abuse; but more often you have to move away from the abuser as a demonstration to yourself that you really do value yourself now.
Forgiving a situation means recognizing it is not real – it has no value for you - and this awareness sometimes leads you to leave behind a situation that no longer serves you. To decide that a miracle can only show up in a certain form is to miss the miracle. The miracle always occurs in your mind; what shows up “out there” is only the result of the miracle. When you forgive you will know what you have to do, and if you don’t move on when you know you need to, you are not accepting the miracle that is offered.
Comments
"To decide that a miracle can only show up in a certain form is to miss the miracle."
And that is to miss the basis of many spiritual teachings... that we open our minds and experience... we expand.
So many people have the thought that if life were only a certain way... (or in these words, if their specific miracles would happen), that they would be "happy."
They don't realize that this single belief is the exact reason they are constantly keeping themselves from being happy.
-Chris
Spiritual Stories and Parables
ACIM Workbook Resources
Spiritual Growth Writing
The Course says that the still small voice is as loud as our willingness to listen.
Many times we are afraid to release someone/something and surrender to the miracle. We can't see how walking away could be the answer. But we have to understand that when we are allowing misery to be heaped on us, if we continue to allow that to happen, we are creating the misery on ourselves. Sometimes when we feel that we are not receiving the miracle it is because we do not want (or are not ready) to receive it.
It's like the old joke where the man drowns in a flood and when he sees God he ask him. "Why didn't you save me?" And God replies, "I sent you a friend who warned you, I sent you a boat and you refused, then I sent you a helicopter to rescue you."
Once we finally manage to remove ourselves out of an abusive situation; then looking back with that perfect 20/20 hind sight, we see all the times God did answer our prayers... he did send us the answer, many times... we were just too afraid or not ready to hear it.
Thank you Liz! I need this one.
ACIM says somewhere that forgiveness has effects you might not even know of. But it also says that the illusion will not always appear to change just because you forgive it.
In fact, since it's an illusion, whether or not it appears to change should not be relevant at all. Trying to change the illusion is merely making the mistake of making it real. You can't change something without believing it exists in the first place!
So yes, this is a great reminder that you need to simply follow the guidance of the Holy Spirit within the illusion. If it's time to move on, move on.
ACIM also says that, apart from forgiveness, the Holy Spirit does not care what you do. Whether you move on or not makes no difference - but whether you continue to punish yourself or not does!
Thanks for this entry!
Peace to you!
Brother Gi :)
The quote about commitment is true, but a commitment to what? Not to the other, but to your growing awareness of Truth. You will pass through a relationship as you grow if the other does not grow with you.