Ask: What steps can I take to overcome this fear of loss?
“My best friend and husband died suddenly one night a little
over 3 years ago and your help was wonderful…the fear and pain of that sudden
"loss" opened up a door to the Truth and I was able to move
forward…However at the present time, I fallen back into the trappings of the
dream. With T gone and no family I've put all of my security and sense of
well-being into the two Pugs we were raising together and our home…I see that
I've come to believe my safety lies in having these things around me, this
while studying every day and going into silence almost as consistently…
Each time
something "happens" to threaten whatever illusion I've put my faith
in, obviously, I quake with fear and run to the Course. Now it's one
of the dogs. I can't believe what happens whenever something seems to go wrong
with one of them…And with my years of studying I have felt the feeling of dark
terror so much less than I did that when it does come I feel as though I might
die. And then I remember that what is frightening me so isn't these
"things" at all. And then the fear really comes.
My question is
whenever I take anything in the dream seriously, do I bring those thoughts to
the Truth in my mind? I do this, but with my head bowed in shame for being
duped yet again, for taking it all seriously and making it real. How do I laugh
gently
at these things I believe are so real and threatening. How
do I get to look at the dream battle field from above?
The Course says it is
never talking about form or to the dream figure reading its words, that the
decision maker is the one who will lift the veil… My real question is...What,
if anything, can the dream figure do to help the decision maker change its
mind? I've reached a point where I feel like I'm banging my head against a huge
iron door with the decision maker on the other side and there's nothing I can
do to get in touch! And I know the more I believe it's impossible that is
exactly what I will experience.
…What's
next? I guess I'm looking for steps... I've got one foot planted firmly in the
dream and the other tentatively dipping it's toe in Truth and I feel lost.” – SB
First, let me clarify that you are
the “decision maker”. This is not a term in A
Course in Miracles but it was one coined by Ken Wapnick to describe your
mind in its split between Truth and illusion. The “dream figure” is the
body/personality/ego (personal thought system) with which you as the decision
maker erroneously identify. You have the choice to continue to identify with
the dream figure or to grow your awareness of Truth. And what you describe
indicates that you are smack in the middle of the process of choosing Truth
over illusion. For a long time we students of ACIM vacillate between the two
thought systems in our mind as we learn that Truth is more valuable than
illusion. It is as though we have two competing realities. This is simply how
this process works. You are not failing when you find yourself back in ego. It
just means you have not fully realized it has no value for you. And identifying
with the ego is not “wrong”. It is simply not Reality. Whether or not you want
Reality is up to you. There is nothing and no one who says you have to choose
It.
Two statements that you wrote explain why, instead of just
going back into the ego (personal thought system) and being uncomfortable for a
while, you experience such fear. One was your statement that you are aware that
what frightens you is not the fear of losing things in the world. I assume that
you mean that you are aware that your real fear is fear of Truth. And this fear
makes you even more afraid. This indicates that you feel guilty for your fear
of Truth. The other statement that you made was also of guilt: the shame you
feel for being “duped” again by the ego. These statements reveal that you still
believe that there is a god that holds you to a certain standard that you are
failing. No wonder your fear is so extreme! And no wonder you keep turning back
to the ego. You may not like the ego but it must feel safer to you than a
disappointed god. You are experiencing one of the very reasons why for a long
time students continue to turn back to the ego.
So what you must do now is root out that belief that there
is something outside of you with power over you (a god) sitting in judgment on
you and who is waiting to punish you for not being perfect. That god does not
exist. It is a construct of the ego and your conscious and unconscious belief
in it is the source of your fear. While you do this you want to remind yourself
that the Truth goes on within you, whole and perfect, no matter what you seem
to do or to not do in the universe of form. Remind yourself of these facts
every time your fear of loss comes up.
If you want to know in more detail where guilt comes from,
how it is maintained in your mind, and how to release it you may be interested
in my book Releasing Guilt for Inner
Peace. It is only in digital form and you can find it at www.amazon.com (for Kindle) or www.lulu.com (PDF or ePub).
>>>>>
Learn about the books The ACIM Mentor Articles, The Plain Language A Course in Miracles, 4 Habits for Inner Peace, and Releasing Guilt for Inner Peace at www.acimmentor.com.
Comments
My husband and I have had so many rescues - adopted dogs, off the street, or through a middleman/shelter, etc...and they've all died! I used to just react with such horror with either a bad diagnosis, or just with their getting old and wearing out - I finally decided to look at this "pattern" differently. This Peace has been revealed - sometimes splotchy, and sometimes it seems to stay longer - but It has been revealed to me. I can't go back to the old ego thought pattern again - at least not totally...and at some point - never again.
Our dear Golden Retriever had to be put down in March....I wrote about her in February. During the brief time of nursing her,making sure she was not in pain, etc. though I was crazy about her, this time I didn't suffer!! She "told" me when it was "time to go"...it was the strongest I had ever been at "the end"...the atmosphere at my vet's (new vet, too after 25 years with the first one) was "heavenly" - everyone hugged and kissed me (never had happened before! Even the vet!)...23 hours later, and even one day - I open my studio door and there on the sidewalk was a cross...the next door neighbor's dog I babysat at the time had chewed a perfect Christian symbol cross. I know it's a symbol - but to me, it was a message of healing. Don't get mad at me, Liz - this is just the way I perceived this occurance...my period of grief just dried up on the spot!
The type of emotional pain you are going through will leave you feeling isolated, powerless, resigned to a life of emotional isolation and pain. It will pass. It is a cycle, up down up down up down. Over time the lows aren't so low and highs aren't so high. A process we all go through. You are not alone.
I've re-read your question, dsb, and yes - I think you got it.
i have been doing my best to face a growing awareness of fear and mistrust of god/reality/truth, but been more confused than i would have thought possible when sorting out whats love and whats fear. and this post (and particularly the excerpt below) has bolstered my commitment to to choose again, to really use these feelings and this time as a bridge to reality not a wall between my awareness and love, and to trust i CAN see/feel/hear what is the egos god and what is reality. the wording of liz' answer has simplified the choice, which the ego had tricked me into thinking was complicated and hard to understand. but this is simple, so the choice is simple. hard or easy as i make it.. but simple!! so, heartfelt thanks to both of you. and if your computer crashing was part of the timing of this particular post happening now.. thanks liz ;)
"I assume that you mean that you are aware that your real fear is fear of Truth. And this fear makes you even more afraid. This indicates that you feel guilty for your fear of Truth. The other statement that you made was also of guilt: the shame you feel for being “duped” again by the ego. These statements reveal that you still believe that there is a god that holds you to a certain standard that you are failing. No wonder your fear is so extreme! And no wonder you keep turning back to the ego. You may not like the ego but it must feel safer to you than a disappointed god. You are experiencing one of the very reasons why for a long time students continue to turn back to the ego. So what you must do now is root out that belief that there is something outside of you with power over you (a god) sitting in judgment on you and who is waiting to punish you for not being perfect. That god does not exist."
Mentor Note, Vol. II 'Practicing A Course in Miracles', Liz Cronkhite