Committed to the Spiritual Process
If you’ve been reading my blog/newsletter for the past few weeks then you know significant things have occurred in the life of this mind. Four years ago the ego (personal thought system) fell away. I didn’t realize it fully and I spent three and a half years personally in a rather barren place in this mind, though there was peace in the rest of my mind. I did feel done with the world, but I didn’t know what that meant. I just stayed with the feeling, wondering what would come next.
The next thing arrived in this mind last summer with a subtle shift from emptiness to a delicious Spaciousness. This was followed by beautiful Golden Light, Love, and Joy filling the Space. Bewilderingly, an effect of this was a romance novel! From there, the Light and the shifts continued.
During this time a client in Australia whom I have called Zelda in these articles, but whose real name is Hannah, became a friend as well. We grew closer over several months and began to experience a lot of synchronicity and other things that signaled that our minds had joined. In April, we acknowledged we had a Holy relationship. In May, I acknowledged to her that for me personal feelings for her had come with the Holy relationship. I already knew she had personal feelings for me.
I was married, so I was bothered by the feeling that I had another “partner”, even though it was a spiritual partner. And so I told my wife, Courtney. I explained the Holy relationship and I was honest that there were also personal feelings, but they were secondary. Hannah is on the other side of the world. The Holy relationship is what matters. Our marital boat rocked for a bit, but we set boundaries and things settled in that regard.
But not within me. Huge shifts began to occur. I came to realize I had “died”—the ego had fallen away and it was all new within. I could feel my old way of thinking with an ego dismantling every day. I could feel my mind shifting to Higher Awareness. I became aware, as I shared in an article two weeks ago, that a new Animator had come to live through the self. But, more than those already rocking experiences, I was sensing outward movement, too. I resisted this hard. I was having visions of myself in Australia with Hannah. I was hearing, within, that she was my new partner, and that I needed to get to know her. In fact, I felt in some ways that I was already with her, on every level, even though that was not appearing in form. I hardly knew her, but I felt my life with her was more real than the life the body was in. I fought this. I told myself the shifts were only internal. New Life, New Love, New Land—this is only a metaphor for what is going on within.
I didn’t ask for this! I felt complete in my life in every way. I was happy in my marriage. I wasn’t looking for anything but deepening awareness of Truth. And yet, I was given this gift of the Holy relationship, and Hannah to love, in every way. Because I didn’t need this, because there was no lack to fill, it was pure Joyful Abundance. But I recognized, on some level, that her arrival signaled that the old Liz truly was “dead”. She was the partner for the emerging self that is now directed by the new Animator within. It was the new Liz’s heart that leapt in Joyful recognition of Hannah as her given partner.
For two months I struggled hard against what I knew was happening. It was too huge! The conflict was enormous. I jerked poor Hannah around with my mixed signals. An intuitive, she, too, saw me with her, but my telling her it was not happening now threw her into doubt about what she could trust. Courtney was accepting of our situation, but not really comfortable. In the past she and I had discussed open marriages and polyamory, but we both felt these did not really fit our situation with Hannah. I struggled to stay in the life I was in—the life that I had felt was over for so long—and still somehow have the Holy relationship with Hannah.
Then, at the end of June, I finally had to face that I could not reconcile my “dead” life with the new one emerging within me. I left Courtney, who had been the former Liz’s wife, best friend, and partner in every way for twenty-four years. In a few months I will be taking the self to Australia; to a Holy and every-other-way relationship with Hannah.
At first there was more grief than relief. And so many surreal moments of confusion that sometimes seemed like doubt, but never lasted for long. Am I really making a wholesale life change at fifty-four? Yes, I am. I no longer have the illusion that the self belongs to this consciousness. Something Else has come to live through the self this mind projects. And the old life needs to be brought down to zero so It can.
One of my first thoughts after I left Courtney was, “How can I tell my readers/clients about this humungous life shift that followed the dropping of the ego without terrifying them?” But I have always been honest about my process and I’m not going to stop now. Of course, it does not unfold the same way for everyone. Certainly, most will not be called on to make such a wholesale change in their life. (It remains to be seen why I was!) And, of course, I am no longer in a mindset of lack, sacrifice, and loss. Yes, I grieve, but in a process of transformation, not loss. (More on this next week). Whatever your part in the Undoing (Atonement) requires, you will be ready for it, as I was ready for this.
When Courtney and I got together she told me her 12-step program came first for her. I said that was okay, because my spiritual process came first for me. It was my primary commitment. It preceded everything else, in time, but also in importance, to me. My mistake was thinking I could make any other commitment. Courtney has said no spiritual path would ask someone to leave their wife. I must be acting from ego. I understand what she is saying, because hers is a path of spiritualizing the ego, not transcending it. But, actually, my making a commitment beyond my commitment to my awareness of Truth was ego. I was looking to make something unchanging in the world. Hannah understands that my only honest commitment now can be to my spiritual process. And it is the same for her. We will see where our commitment to Truth takes us together.
Of course, Courtney and my family think I’ve had a mental break or I’m having a midlife crisis. I am dismantling an entire life, down to nearly zero, and going to another country I’ve never been to, to be with a woman I’ve never met in person. Oh, I understand their perspective. Sometimes I’ve shared it! From the outside it does look insane. But within, I trust this unfolding with deepening serenity.
My family and friends grieve the leaving Liz. But, from my perspective, they are only catching up with where I have been for a while. I cannot find the old Liz. She truly is gone. A new one is emerging. There is no way they can understand that I am wholly new within. Who could understand this but someone who has experienced it?
I realize what I have shared here will make some readers uncomfortable for various reasons. I welcome your questions and will answer them in private or in this newsletter/blog if you prefer.
And, in answer to the inevitable questions: Yes, I will continue to write, teach, and mentor, just from a new country. I plan to maintain my relationships with my current clients, if they are willing, if necessary, to make some time adjustments.
A mentor is someone who walks the path ahead of you. If you want to benefit from my experience and perhaps shorten your process, email me at Liz@acimmentor.com to set up an appointment. Learn more at www.acimmentor.com.
If you have a question the answer to which you think will help others email it to me at Liz@acimmentor.com and indicate that you want it answered in the newsletter/blog.