My visitor’s visa is due to expire and I will be returning to Nevada in the United States in early October after a year in Western Australia. As most of you know, I came here to Hannah, with whom I have a Holy Relationship. It has been quite an, erm….interesting year for both of us. Difficult may be a more apt word, LOL, though of course there is also a lot of Love.
It is not my place to tell Hannah’s story, but we have both faced ourselves in ways we did not expect. I came here having just dismantled a life that had come to completion and with a mind adapting to a new consciousness. The former was difficult and I hoped the latter meant things would get easier for me. Ha, ha! In some ways they got harder. But now, yes, it is much easier.
The first months for me were very difficult because the echo of the ego (personal thought system) was very much upon me. I was smack in guilt and fear and grief and I was easily triggered, although I also recovered relatively quickly. At first I used familiar tools to deal with these experiences, as in looking deeply into their root cause, only to discover over and over that their root cause was gone. The ego had fallen away and I truly was only hearing its echo. I had only to watch and wait for habits to wind down.
I became intimately familiar with my mind. Light shone into every nook and cranny and all was revealed, and lots of it was not pretty. I was dismayed to find in my mind the echoes of thoughts and beliefs I thought long gone. There were episodes where I had to grab myself by the metaphorical collar and haul myself up out of appalling habits of dark, negative, destructive thinking. I was surprised by the will I had to exert at times, having had the false expectation no effort at all was going to be required of me at this stage. It was not ongoing effort. Mostly I did just see what came up and watch it go by. But there were certainly times when I simply could not be passive.
I did copious amounts of processing, much of it in a journal. Yet I would still characterize my mind as quiet relative to the way it used to be. It was as though layers of thought were gone and I was dealing only with what was immediately in it and about to surface. I also felt strongly that I was to record what I was going through. I still feel this, though the processing has come to a natural end.
Perhaps about six months in there came a point where I sensed I was moving away from dealing with what was gone and beginning to see What had come. This was slow going at first; I seemed to still be more in the past. After about nine months here, I encountered the darkest beliefs in my mind, as in the inherent self-loathing in the ego, and the awareness that it only “allowed” me on a spiritual path because it truly believed “God” would kill me for my guilt. I had never seen that before! After this darkness, many positive shifts, insights, and epiphanies came. When I encountered doubt, I’d find I didn’t really doubt. When I encountered guilt or fear, I’d find I didn’t really believe in guilt and there was no basis for fear. I had dreams and episodes of true forgiveness—I saw none of this is real and that I didn’t really believe it. The review of the ego I had gone through for months was over.
All of this occurred in the context of my Holy Relationship with Hannah. Despite our original expectations, a romantic relationship did not develop between us as her romantic feelings for me fell away before I came out to Australia. Personally, I love and frankly adore her. And, personally, we can be like two sheets of sandpaper rubbing together, because we are very different in some ways and where we are very similar our projections are intense. This has been harder for her than for me, because the personal was less relevant for me as I was consumed with what I wrote about above, but also because I experience our relationship in a different way. All the while I felt our relationship pulling me into a higher consciousness. I have been aware from the beginning I do not have to “make” a relationship with her. It is here. I have had many brief insights and epiphanies about this from the start, but I could never quite “get there”. Especially in the beginning this, too, added to the tension between us, because I was inconsistent in my responses to her, vacillating between personal projections and a higher awareness of us.
Finally, in early August, I had an epiphany that took me “there” and I clearly saw and felt, as I had sensed often but seen clearly only once before, our True Union; our Oneness. This epiphany pulled me into Myself, Which had also felt right here, but I’d been unable to reach. Our True Union is far more real and satisfying than any personal relationship could be to me now. This is the Holy Relationship Itself. It is Love Itself. The Love I now live in the awareness of begins here for me and extends. The Holy Relationship is the “way in” to my awareness of Love. Where my first Holy Relationship when I began A Course in Miracles thirty-five years ago was my introduction to Love as my Reality, this one serves to keep Love as my Reality in my awareness.
My experience of our True Union showed me that how Liz and Hannah unfold in form is insignificant. Love Itself is real to me now. Our Union is here/now, which is to say, everywhere/always. I return to the US seeing no further than taking that step. Personally, I am sad to leave Hannah and her family and Australia, all of which I love. But I also feel that the form of our relationship in the world and my personal response to it do not matter. It will unfold as it will unfold. Love goes with me wherever I go.