Ask: Does acceptance lead to a desired outcome?

         We’ve all heard the stories: Someone struggles to accept a situation and when they do, the situation resolves or falls away, Here are some examples:

 

Jane has always wanted a life partner, but it has not happened. She’s 37 now and has come to accept being single. She’s at peace with this. This is when she meets the man she will marry and spend the rest of her life with.

 

Gretchen was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder. She’s angry. She falls into depression and for a long while she can’t seem to get past it. A therapist points out that she is grieving and suggests she allow the grieving process. Then one day Gretchen suddenly accepts that she will be managing this illness all her life. A month later, during a check-up at her specialist’s office, she sees a new doctor who notices something in her chart and orders more tests. It turns out Gretchen was misdiagnosed and does not have an autoimmune disease. She is given the appropriate treatment for what she does have and is cured.

 

Bob has noisy night owl neighbors. It is not feasible for him to move. He has talked to his neighbors and asked them to keep their music down and to take their family arguments to the other side of their apartment, which has an outside wall and no neighbor, after 10pm. They were not receptive to this and in fact became ruder, louder, and more arrogant toward Bob after he spoke to them. Bob takes what steps he can for himself, like a white noise machine, which has helped him to sleep. He avoids his neighbors or is courteous toward them when he can’t avoid them. But he resents being the one to make changes for someone else’s behavior. He works on forgiving his neighbors and finally does. A few weeks later, they move away, and Bob gets quiet and respectful neighbors.

 

When people hear these stories, they think they see cause and effect. They think acceptance causes the desired outcome. However, this cause and effect isn’t universal. Many accept situations in their lives without any change in circumstance following. Moreover, once a person hears about acceptance as a cause, they try to accept a conflicted situation to cause their desired outcome, but they’ve heard that if you try to accept to cause the desired outcome you are not really accepting! So now they are trapped because they can no longer work on accepting without it being about the desired outcome.

In fact, what happens is predetermined, so acceptance does not cause a change in circumstances. In some cases, the desired change following acceptance may be a coincidence. But it seems likely that in many cases where the desired change follows acceptance it is the result of sensing on some level that the circumstances are about to change.

The great thing about acceptance is it makes it no longer matter to you if the situation changes! Acceptance does not mean you come to like what is occurring. It means you no longer resist it. You can also come to accept that you do not like a situation. Resisting a situation and your feelings about it only adds to your discomfort. 

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