Redefinition of Ego

         There used to be something here that learned and grew. It made choices. It could be right-minded or wrong-minded. It could be honest about its dark side or it could wear a mask and pretend it was only “good”. It could remain stuck in painful thoughts and feelings, or it could call on the Holy Spirit, its “true self”, for help. It is probably what Ken Wapnick referred to as the “decision maker”. It was thought to be the true “I” that would discover, if ego, the deceiver, fell away, that it really was “God”. But at The Break here eight years ago, it fell away. And this is why the whole “I” experience, not just negative thoughts, attitudes, and traits, have come to be referred to as ego in these articles. (Ego is Latin for “I”, after all.)

It was thought here in this mind from the beginning of being a student of A Course in Miracles that what was referred to in the Course as ego was the entire personal experience. This is not what the Course teaches, but having had nonduality experiences, it is what this mind read into it. But this was never fully sorted out. This mind fell into the common practice of referring only to fear and negative thoughts, attitudes, and traits as ego. Of course, selfishness was often hidden behind masks of niceness and selflessness that were self-serving. That was acknowledged as ego, too. But where did things like love and compassion and understanding and empathy—when genuine and not masks—land if they were not ego? Were they the “true self” peeking through? They didn’t seem to be, they seemed to be just the flipside of fear experiences. The only thing to assume was that there was a “higher” or “holy” or “purer” version of these feelings and attitudes that would arise if ego fell away. They did not.

What did fall away at The Break was the “I” that claimed both fear and love thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors. Pride arises and falls away. Anger arises and falls away. Compassion arises and falls away. Love arises and falls away. Nothing here has any sense of learning or growth. Learning is just receiving information now; there is no sense of personal change. Nothing here makes choices. Choices arise and are made. Nothing here wears a mask. All feelings, attitudes, behaviors, and judgments arise without anything here to attach itself to them, so they pass. There are no relationships. Bodies come together and part and there are no lingering thoughts and stories about them. The ego thought system has been winding down, it tries but cannot catch on again. There is wholeness here now instead of the denial of truth and itself that the ego thought system served.

There are other ways to put this dichotomy of love/fear: right-minded/wrong-minded, light/dark, healthy/unhealthy, mature/childish, positive/negative, life-affirming/destructive, etc. They are all now understood to be part of the “I”, the ego, experience.

Spiritualized ego is a term in the Course community that has a negative connotation. It refers to someone who thinks their personal loving attitudes and traits are truth. It is, no doubt, a struggle for them to maintain this belief, because all attitudes and traits are ego and ego cannot escape its dark side. It is a singular coin with two sides and it cannot escape the darkness by pretending it is not there. This is the fundamental teaching of the Course. If you want peace, you are advised to “choose once again” the “good” when the “bad” shows up, not deny the “bad”.

What many think of as awakening or enlightenment is really a self-actualized (or self-realized) ego. It is an ego that deliberately embraces its lighter side, but it is also authentic, so one does not deny their darker side. They acknowledge it and address it, often with good humor. They are truly humble, mature, wise, loving, and compassionate. This is achieved often after years of psychological and spiritual work. This is not truth, but the effect on ego of truth rising toward conscious awareness. So, spiritualized ego could also have a good connotation if it is understood to mean the self-actualizing effect that the awareness of truth has on ego.

As long as there is any sense of “I”, ego is there. And it has the potential to learn and grow away from its dark side. But it will still be ego. Ego can improve its experience of itself by facing itself honestly, but it cannot overcome itself, it cannot make itself fall away from consciousness. 

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