The Way Out of Fear

I wrote a couple of week ago about realizing in a moment of extreme fear that I didn’t have to suffer and about how I sought relief in Truth: Only God is Real. The thing is, I have become less and less willing to tolerate much smaller fears. I don’t have to suffer at all, I realize at moments. But then ego pushes back with a frightened, “Yes, you do. Without fear you would be dead. Fear is life.”
I can remember a time in my life when I was very young when fear seemed unnatural and alien whenever I experienced it. I somehow knew it wasn’t “right” or “natural”. But at some point when I was a pre-teen fear started to creep into my everyday life until eventually I just “adjusted” to it. Fear was just a part of life, I concluded, and it just had to be accepted. Anything from minor insecurities, vulnerabilities, uncertainties to extreme phobia – fear was always present in some form. Fear was life.
Looking at this with the Holy Spirit the other day I was able to lift up the fear and peer under it and found the guilt that was driving my need to be uncomfortable all the time. Fear was my “payment” for the tiny scraps of happiness and peace that I could snatch in brief, fearless moments. I spent most of my life in varying degrees of fear to offset the guilt I felt for a few moments of peace and happiness. Sometime in my pre-teens I had unconsciously decided I had to pay a heavy price for happiness.
Ego doesn’t distinguish between its own form of temporary “happiness” and the True Joy that can only come from God. Happiness in any form must be paid for by the guilty. And the pain of fear was both the result of guilt and my payment for being guilty so that it couldn’t be released. But if I removed the guilt the fearful thoughts would also disappear.
We are born into the perception that separation from God is real so guilt and fear are conditions of the separation. I wasn’t without guilt and fear before my pre-teens; they were just more unconscious because I was someone else’s responsibility. But my parents raised me to be an adult one day so they gave me more and more responsibility as I grew up. In my pre-teens I took on more responsibility for myself and at some point I decided I to take on my own guilt and started to “pay” for it. Suddenly, fear wasn’t so unnatural anymore. Fear was life.
No wonder I swing back to ego every time I’ve had even a glimmer of God’s Love and Peace. In my guilt I think the ego can “protect” me from God’s wrath. It doesn’t make sense that I would feel God’s Love and then fear God’s wrath except that in my guilt I felt unworthy. And what I really fear at these times is not God but the illusion of a vengeful god I’ve made in the ego’s image. Guilt is really arrogance because it means I believe that what I have made is truth. Accepting that I have been mistaken and that God is Love, then, is the way out of fear. Golly gee, just like A Course in Miracles teaches!


Student Loans said…
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azravenwood said…
Whoops, I posted the last post while logged into my client's blog. Can you delete it.

This is very interesting, I never looked at fear from this perception. I am a student of the Course and trying to overcome panic and anxiety. This certainly could be what I also do to myself as a gay woman who feels a lot of guilt, etc. Thanks for the insight.
hannah said…
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hannah said…
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