Beyond Self-Image
Sometimes students will say to me: “I want to be a (gentle, strong, wise, happy, etc.) person.” Sometimes they say: “I want to be a person who (is looked up to, makes others laugh, is there for others, etc.).” These are all ego self-images, and they are all equally meaningless.
For a long time I struggled with how to see myself, and with how I was “supposed” to be as a spiritual person. Was I supposed to have strong boundaries with others, or was I supposed to be there for everyone? Was I supposed to be peaceful or fun-loving or serious? Was I supposed to be wise and distant, or goofy and friendly? My values, I realized, were all over the place. Sometimes I valued strength, other times vulnerability. Sometimes I valued detachment, other times closeness with others. Finally I would get so confused as to how I should be I’d ask the Holy Spirit and the answer was always: “It doesn’t matter. You’re not a person.” Of course I’d immediately feel relief that I didn’t have to make myself, and then strain to maintain what I made. But soon the ego would come thundering back and I’d start all over again. I was still way too attached to ego to just “be”, and not worry about my self-image. It bothered me that God didn’t care who I was as a person because I wanted ego to be my reality.
Then one day the awareness that God didn’t care brought more relief than grief. I was finally catching on that I am One with God, and that the ego is not me. I could be at peace and let the ego’s many shapes and forms roll across the surface of my mind. As a person I could be moody, happy, bitchy, gentle, cranky, kind - I could be completely inconsistent and it didn’t matter at all. And with my concern about how I should be went all concern with what “others” thought of me, or even what I thought of them. My detachment from ego in me brought me detachment from ego in all of its manifestations. I saw clearly that there’s only one ego even though it takes billions of forms.
The ego is nothing but self-image. There’s nothing behind it. To just “be” is meaningless to ego because there is nothing to just “be”. It’s all surfaces; it’s all shades and variations and choices to keep you too busy to “just be”. And in God just Being is all there is; there are no shades, no variations, nothing to choose, just Oneness. As always, the ego is the opposite of God in every way.
For a long time I struggled with how to see myself, and with how I was “supposed” to be as a spiritual person. Was I supposed to have strong boundaries with others, or was I supposed to be there for everyone? Was I supposed to be peaceful or fun-loving or serious? Was I supposed to be wise and distant, or goofy and friendly? My values, I realized, were all over the place. Sometimes I valued strength, other times vulnerability. Sometimes I valued detachment, other times closeness with others. Finally I would get so confused as to how I should be I’d ask the Holy Spirit and the answer was always: “It doesn’t matter. You’re not a person.” Of course I’d immediately feel relief that I didn’t have to make myself, and then strain to maintain what I made. But soon the ego would come thundering back and I’d start all over again. I was still way too attached to ego to just “be”, and not worry about my self-image. It bothered me that God didn’t care who I was as a person because I wanted ego to be my reality.
Then one day the awareness that God didn’t care brought more relief than grief. I was finally catching on that I am One with God, and that the ego is not me. I could be at peace and let the ego’s many shapes and forms roll across the surface of my mind. As a person I could be moody, happy, bitchy, gentle, cranky, kind - I could be completely inconsistent and it didn’t matter at all. And with my concern about how I should be went all concern with what “others” thought of me, or even what I thought of them. My detachment from ego in me brought me detachment from ego in all of its manifestations. I saw clearly that there’s only one ego even though it takes billions of forms.
The ego is nothing but self-image. There’s nothing behind it. To just “be” is meaningless to ego because there is nothing to just “be”. It’s all surfaces; it’s all shades and variations and choices to keep you too busy to “just be”. And in God just Being is all there is; there are no shades, no variations, nothing to choose, just Oneness. As always, the ego is the opposite of God in every way.
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