I Am Whole and You Are Whole
To follow up on the last article about “Love”, when you enter
into relationships from the awareness that “I am whole and you are whole” you
change the dynamic of personal relationships. Personal relationships usually
start from “I lack, please fill me”. In an attempt to feel whole you drop the
boundaries between you and another. This shows up as you demanding that another
meet your needs. If they don’t you feel abandoned or attacked. You also may
insist that the other change to meet your needs or change because you are
uncomfortable with how they show up. Without boundaries you feel that how they
show up reflects on you. Or you may be uncomfortable with how they show up and
think that they are responsible for your discomfort.
You also experience the other side of this in personal
relationships. Others demand that you fill their needs or that you change to
make them happy or comfortable. You can see why personal relationships are so
contentious! Everyone is pulling against everyone else.
This is not easy to address because often our identities are
tied up in the role we play with others. That role may be the helpless one in
need of fixing. This is the victim role. You are a victim of your childhood or
circumstances or a god or something that makes you lack. You are powerless and
dependent on others to make you feel better. And if they do not then you are
their victim, too. Everyone plays this role in some, if not all, areas of their
life. It is central to the personal thought system (ego).
You may also play the role of the fixer-of-others. You may
feel that it this is your purpose in life; maybe even a “God-given” purpose.
Eventually you may find relationships to be a burden because you are
overwhelmed taking responsibility for others’ bad feelings and problems. So you
may avoid relationships. Of course you cannot fix others and they often resent
you trying. This makes you feel unappreciated in your relationships and
becomes another victim role for you. But when you feel that this is your
assigned role in life you feel guilty if you do not take responsibility for
others.
You can see how coming from True Love, or the recognition
that “I am whole and you are whole”, changes the dynamic of personal
relationships. Not only do you not need others to make you whole. You also do
not need to make others whole. You do not need to play a certain role with
others to be whole. And since you are already whole you do not have a purpose
to fulfill to make you whole. In Wholeness you recognize that you do not have
to do anything. You are free! And you are with others because you want to be
with them not because you need them or need to play a role.
Some think that coming from True Love means being a doormat.
But an awareness of Wholeness shows up as self-respect. Your relationship with
others is your relationship with yourself. And in self-respect you expect
respect from others. So you set boundaries with others who do not behave
respectfully. This honors not just your wholeness but theirs. Their acting out
and inappropriate behavior is a sign that they are not aware of their inherent
wholeness. When you set boundaries you give them a chance to look at themselves
and to grow into an awareness of their wholeness. Whether or not they take this
opportunity is up to them.
In self-respect you decide how far out boundaries need to be
or how close in they can be based on what you need to take care of yourself. Students
will say, “But don’t I need to look at myself in this situation?” Yes! But you
do that behind healthy boundaries. You don’t have to hang around abuse to
figure out what you may be projecting or using in the situation to perpetuate
your story of victimhood. Eventually you will stop taking personally others’
responses to you and you won’t feel attacked. But even then you will put up
boundaries. Even if you don’t feel attacked allowing others to disrespect you
only teaches them that their dysfunction is okay. Again, your boundaries are
for you as well as for them. It’s a way of saying, “I’m whole and so are you.
This is your chance to learn this.”
>>>>>
Learn about the books The ACIM Mentor Articles, The Plain Language A Course in Miracles, 4 Habits for Inner Peace and Releasing Guilt for Inner Peace at www.acimmentor.com.
Comments
I had to cut someone from my life a while ago, and, while i felt relieved at the time, and i had prayed to the holy spirit for help before i made the decision, i felt TERRIBLE, for several months after.
It was only after i realized that i did myself and her a favor, and that it was exactly what needed to happen. There was no guilt or blame. It's just the way it was. We aren't obligated to be friends or associates with everyone we meet, and there is nothing wrong with that.
It seems to me that obligation is a demand in disguise. Either it coming from others or expecting it of others. The dynamic of family relationships come to mind. How then can family obligations be loving? It's ego dynamics playing.
Will - thanks for the laugh and I imagine Liz smiling a beautiful smile!
Thank you for sharing your story. May you keep glowing with a Golden Light, DB
1. Go to Lesson 161
2. The focus is on paragraphs 4 and 11.
3. Read paragraph 4 until you are sure you understand what it is saying.
4. Go to paragraph 11 and follow the instructions EXACTLY as they are written regardless if you are thinking of a person or they are standing in front of you.
We often don't know how much Truth has shifted our experience in until something happens in the world to bring it to our attention. Much more goes on unconsciously than we know.
In the manual for teachers, Who Are Their Pupils? it talks about everything has already gone by a long long time ago and we are in essence watching the past go by (by our experience). Then it says "Your are free however, to decide when you want to learn it." Could you explain that.