Ask: Does Lesson 68 have it wrong?
“During our
discussion (in the study group) of Lesson 68:’Love does not hold on to
resentment’, you made it abundantly clear that you personally could not follow
the part about seeing everyone as your friend because trying to do so made
resentment even stronger. What mattered, you said, was being in Truth, so
regardless how others showed up you would be at peace. And in the event that
someone was so dysfunctional, you could set up a boundary and still be at
peace. This made total sense to me and suited my own personality. What I can
now take out of that lesson is to think how resentment disturbs my peace; how
it reinforces my guilt and belief in a false god.
What hangs me up
however, is that lesson 68 is quite clear when it tells us to see these others
‘as my friend’, when I know that doing so will be counterproductive. So I
choose to ignore it. Is the Course wrong here? Where else does it give ‘bad’ advice? Are we free to pick
and choose how to interpret it based on what feels comfortable?” – ES
A Course in
Miracles
is not “wrong” nor is it giving “bad” advice. This is a good example of what I
mean when I say it is important to read spiritual material in context. And it
is also a good example of why it is important to read spiritual material with
the Holy Spirit (your awareness of Truth).
The
context of ACIM is Helen Schucman’s mind and her relationships, particularly the
one she had with Bill Thetford. Reading the Text and Workbook it is abundantly
clear that she held onto a lot of dark thoughts about others. She was full of
resentments and stories of victimhood. This seemed to be her primary issue in
relationships with others. And it was the way her obstacles to peace showed up.
She was being asked to be open to a new way of looking at others. Asking her to
look at others as her friends rather than as her enemies probably worked well
for the way her mind worked.
But
it didn’t work that way for this mind. Focusing on seeing others in any way
kept me in ego (the personal thought system). I tried for many, many years to
apply ACIM as written and found it did not work. Finally, I said to hell with
it. I was no longer going to try to “see Christ in others” or to forgive as
ACIM teaches forgiveness (to see it is not real). It wasn’t working. I decided
to focus on what did work for me: Communing with God daily and my
companion-like relationship with the Holy Spirit. After focusing on these for a
while, lo and behold, forgiveness came! Instead of seeing Christ (Truth) in others I found I could be aware of
Christ’s Presence no matter how others were showing up. My awareness of Truth
with me always led to my letting go of the ego and its world. It led to forgiveness.
When
I was finally tired of stubbornly applying ACIM in a way that never worked for
me I was open to the Holy Spirit giving me a new approach. The reason I wasn’t
open earlier was because in guilt I was very rigid about ACIM. Like many
students for a long time I thought doing ACIM right was the goal rather than
that ACIM was simply an instrument that the Holy Spirit could use to reach me.
If I’d understood that the Holy Spirit was the point I would’ve been a lot
gentler with myself and brought my problems applying ACIM to the Holy Spirit
much sooner.
You
are always free to read ACIM however you want! There is no “right” way or
“wrong” way to read it. But there are helpful and unhelpful ways to read it. You
only have the choice of two teachers as you study: the ego or the Holy Spirit.
I tried to apply ACIM with the ego for a very long time. The clues that I was
studying with the ego were in how it wasn’t working and how my guilt increased
with my sense of failure (not helpful). The ego is a rigid, judgmental teacher.
The Holy Spirit is the Gentle Teacher. It will always help you find what works
for you and It will never increase your guilt (helpful).
>>>>>
Learn about the books The ACIM Mentor Articles, The Plain Language A Course in Miracles, 4 Habits for Inner Peace, and Releasing Guilt for Inner Peace at www.acimmentor.com.
Comments
"Like many students for a long time I thought doing ACIM right was the goal rather than that ACIM was simply an instrument that the Holy Spirit could use to reach me."
after all these years studying, holy spirit still feels like an abstract idea. and yep, i feel like that is failure! im still trying to make my ego kinder. meditation has begun making me feel alternately angry and bored.
And, yes, as Christine noted the Holy Spirit is abstract. Here's a way to experience the Holy Spirit: Think of a situation that upsets you. Think about the upset. Now think of how the Holy Spirit must see it. If you can do that, then you have experienced the Holy Spirit! All the Holy Spirit is, is the thought system in your mind that comes from your awareness of Truth.
liz, that puts a different spin on it in my mind, and raises a question, because i do that all the time. i have become very observant of where my mind is at, and aware of thoughts that exclude truth and sameness/oneness, and when i observe those thoughts its easy and automatic to remember 'acims' teachings as well as my experiences of 'one story/song'. what does NOT happen (or rarely) is a shift to FEELING peace or joy, which is why i didnt think of it as holy spirit, but as my ego remembering the truth.. or another way of saying that, as the ego intellectualising ideas of truth.
recalling truth and oneness DOES relieve (always to some degree, and sometimes completely!) the belief that i need to fix or change something in someone elses mind, or in the world. this letting go has been happening over the past couple of years, mainly the last few months (triggered in a great part by communication with liz). i am very very grateful for this shift, the weight of responsibility was huge, i trust completely that this process of letting go will continue, so guilt over recognising that im trying to fix a projection is fleeting, shifts quickly to gratitude to the 'other' and gentleness with myself.
but in a nutshell id say that while i feel less concern/responsibility over what shows up outside of me, i feel greater depression and concern over not experiencing an increase inside myself in joy/happiness. acim says (as i understand it) that choosing the teacher for peace will increase our peace, right, and our happiness? so if i am becoming more aware of the thought system which stems from an awareness of Truth, (honestly, acims teachings come into my mind frequently throughout every day, it just happens now) why is my depression growing again, rather than peace!? i no longer rage at myself, which is truly bloody awesome.. (thanks again for this shift liz, i know you didnt do this, but communication with you (in my perception that im in a world ;) ) has been the trigger!). ok, laugh.. am clear in my mind on the question now (nutshell within a nutshell!) why doesnt truth FEEL like reality to me, if i am communicating frequently and automatically with holy spirit? it made sense while i thought of it as thinking about truth with the ego. im missing a link here somewhere, or not understanding something.
As students of Truth, we are looking for what is permanent deep down inside...something that lasts no matter what the outside circumstances seem to be telling us/perception, etc. That's Peace finally! Practice peace every day - it's not about denial, it's just looking at things/situations/people/pets who bug you - whatever - driving on the highway and someone cuts you off - practice looking at your reaction! Nowadays I laugh a lot at my self - like Ronald Reagan's saying, "There you go again!"
youve actually expressed another aspect of whats been getting to me. it was obvious that attachment to outcomes in the world would keep me rooted in the world, in my awareness. that is what has been shifting, and i am now happy to let that keep changing at the pace that it will. i had a dream a while before starting to study acim, and also an experience a few months back which showed me that it is possible to be peaceful and joyful in my perception of being in the world exactly as it appears in its current state, whatever that may be. liz helped me work through some big blocks to my accepting that, and i just trust that that process will continue 'under its own steam' so to speak... im in the process of ceasing to demand anything of 'outer circumstances'. but as fas as my inner state goes, its like.. noticing that even if i remained attached to outer circumstances, there is nothing that could disturb my peace, because i dont experience inner peace!! i am attached to how this self feels.
I have observed that one of the most persistent (and troublesome) characteristics of the "brain" (personal thought system/ego/small self) is that it is uncomfortable when it doesn`t have an "answer"... it doesn`t like "being in the question". Paradoxically, having been designed (by you) to hide the Truth from your awareness, it has no idea of what IT (real answer) would be anyway, so it can never bring you the closure you are seeking. And, as is often stated in ACIM, there is only one “problem”: the illusion of separation.
In short, whenever we get into these “deep, complicated discussions”, we are essentially falling into the ego trap of “figuring it out”, which is simply a form of mental masturbation, designed (by the ego) to keep us forever “stuck in our stuff”... we are seeking to NOT find (or, looking for Love in all the wrong places ;-) We are making the illusion of a problem into something “real”... obviously, a waste of time!
So, by now your brain is going absolutely crazy, trying either to make sense out of what I just said, or trying to find the “logical flaw” in this assertion, or engaged in any number of other useless, self-sabotaging mental mastications that you think will bring you some kind of “peace” and/or closure. But, as you might have guessed by now, no matter how much time or effort you put into it, you will never find what you are seeking (at least, not by asking the ego). But, there has to be some way to break free of this quandary… right?
Well, the good news is that there is an “answer”, and you already “know” IT, and IT is “hidden” inside you, and you will “find IT” the instant you stop searching for it!! Ok, I’m done… I could go on and on about this, but that would be just a continuation of the same pointless “logical explanation”.
The main point I want to make is that although there may seem to be many “sources of truth” in this world, the only way for each of us to find our way “home” (The Reality of Oneness) is to learn to ask for (and to discern) the “answer” from the part of each of us that “knows” the TRUTH…and, the best way to learn how to “do” that is to to develop a solid relationship (and trust in) your Higher Self (Jesus, the Holy Spirit, whatever name you choose). No one, and no thing, no matter how wise or “holy” they (or it) may seem to be, has the “solution” to your imagined problem. And please, DO NOT believe anything I say… what I am saying here is simply MY perception of the “truth”. That is all anyone (including Liz, Helen, Ken, or any other person you think is an “expert”) has to offer… yes, their “sharings” may inspire and assist you in your journey, but ultimately, it will always come down to finding, and honoring, your personally unique path to Wholeness!
May the FORCE be with You!
Frank
more and more i am noticing how my relationship with acim is directing me towards a deepening relationship with HS, which i experience as a Presence. and so meditating to strengthen this connection has become central to the practice, as well as turning all forgiving over to that Place Within where i find Him.
i am grateful for your sharing this morning liz, and will return to it through out the coming days. your words are helpful; they strengthen my trust in this process and the desire to cultivate a stronger relationship with HS.
so grateful to all who have met here to share their hearts.
endless Love, n
And to you, George, I'm reading Joel as well ~ and may you live long and be happy!
Chris
In fact, in the Holy Spirit's interpretation, the actions of the 'evil', or even minor annoyance, that we perceive is simply another loving opportunity to choose again. And one can truly appreciate each opportunity. I can appreciate and be thankful for the perception of murder or rape or child abuse as an opportunity to once again realize that I have chosen, at the level of the mind (of course!) to perceive this. It is lovingly 'given' as I have asked. What is perceived is not really going on at all. It is just what I have chosen to perceive by my having chosen the ego as my teacher. And so, in observing this, and in realizing that all I am seeing is what I choose to perceive, I can then ask myself if this is what I want; and choose again.
In this sense, the appearance of some brother seeming to attack another, is lovingly provided in response to my own choice. And in that sense, that brother IS my friend, 'giving' as I have asked.
Keep in mind too that since the world is illusion, no one is actually being attacked and harmed. And to minds that perceive being attacked, they have chosen to perceive that. Nothing actually happens to us, and what SEEMS to happen is just an effect (though in illusion) of what the mind has chosen, based on the choice of voices (thought system).
Also, be aware that depression=anger=fear=guilt. When you are depressed ask yourself (with the Holy Spirit) why you are angry. Anger is a defensive response. It means you are afraid. So when you find the anger ask yourself why you are afraid. And all fear in the end means you feel guilty. So when you find the fear then ask yourself why you feel guilty. Sometimes finding the guilty belief is enough to undo it. But if you still believe in the guilt this will not undo it but at least you will know what is going on in your own mind.
so.. peace came to you apart from the ego.. this feels significant but i cant quite get it. um. so the ego is the thought system for not truth, for 'separation/individuality as real'. so peace came to you with the thought system for 'one mind as reality'? and one mind knows completeness and strives for nothing?
liz, are peace, happiness and joy anything like you imagined it/them to be before peace actually came to your awareness??
and thank you a LOT for the process for clarifying what is going on my mind, im grateful. when the feeling of depression wells again, i will follow the thread.
You said, of my earlier post: "Jeremy, Be careful you don't go to far with this. We only have the personal mind. Forgiveness is not something the personal mind can work with. It's just words. You may be setting yourself up."
Well, one of the central messages of ACIM is that we do NOT have only the personal mind. We also have the Holy Spirit, that part of our mind that remains in complete awareness of truth. That part knows that nothing outside of us can touch us, victimize us. There IS nothing outside of us.
No, one cannot go 'too far' with Truth. Truth simply is. The question is: are we going to compromise it with untruth? Of course, but when we do, all we perceive is untruth.
Look at Lesson 130: "Perception is consistent. What you see reflects your thinking. And your thinking but reflects your choice of what you want to see. Your values are determiners of this, for what you value you must want to see, believing what you see is really there. No one can see a world his mind has not accorded value. And no one can fail to look upon what be believes he wants."
I see nowhere where Jesus cautions us not to take this paragraph too seriously. But keep in mind that no harm is done; therefore there is no guilt. I do see your point, however. You are afraid that if we fail to condemn 'the evil doers' we simply encourage them and give them our blessing to attack. But don't you also see that a world that depends upon condemnation MUST be illusion and therefore meaningless?
Value nothing in this world! For it is a world of conflict and death. Some that we call joy, yes. But joy that is mixed with misery is not true joy.
No one said that ACIM is easy. It is simple, yes. But not really easy to accept.
I don't agree with Liz in one respect. I agree that we should not try to forgive when our minds seem to be imprisoned in the ego thought system. The ego cannot truly forgive. And she is correct that if you grow your awareness of Truth, forgiveness will fall into line. But I say that one way to grow your awareness of truth is to realize fully that all that we see here, in our perception, is what we choose to see. Otherwise we truly feel victimized by our 'lives' and what we perceive as evil and misery. And ACIM seems to agree, since this is a point it makes. And why would ACIM make a point that we are to ignore?
My sense is in using the extreme examples you were trying to make a point. However, the course as our reality is not really available for most of us. Most of us are in the discussion stage trying to make sense of it all. Things like Forgiveness are impossible to understand with the personal mind and are not available to us as a state of mind. It's something we talk about. We need to keep grounded.
However your point was taken.
As for joy I only feel that in contrast. For example, when I have a moment of release from guilt I will feel joyful for a bit. But I do not go around over-joyed all the time. Nor do I go around thinking I am at peace. Peace has become the new normal so it does not stand out as it did when I felt it in contrast to ongoing conflict.
Peace feels as I thought it would. What surprised me was it coming to me apart from the ego. It was then I realized I'd been trying to "fix" the ego or make it peaceful. That will never happen. And it's irrelevant, of course, because I have peace!
And I hope that you realize that I am not insisting that you accept the Course's teaching now. I certainly do not fully accept it; not at all. I am still a fence-sitter, often embroiled in condemning and guilt and fear. Almost always I am perceiving that I am a personal self.
But I have found that 'making sense of it' is extremely helpful and that is what you say your too are trying to do. So, my posting, and the quote from Chapter 130 is exactly that: an attempt to help us all make sense of it.
It seems to me that to have a discussion about forgiveness when the one thing that is left out is the Course's actual teaching of forgiveness is simply unhelpful. I simply want to remind folks that the whole ACIM teaching of forgiveness involves the ESSENTIAL step in seeing that the world is an illusion, one that we wanted to be real, but that we are now making a different choice. And this is what I would say is 'making sense of it all'. Remember, you are NOT the ego; your mind is not the personal mind. You need not insist that the personal mind is the only mind you have. If we insist upon it -- the same is true of all of us -- then it is because we THINK that the personal mind is what we want. But in fact we only want it because we already identify with it and believe that by letting it go we will die. Thus we are now choosing the personal self out of fear, not truly because we, in our right minds, would want it.
I don't recall the Course emphasizing how tall the ladder is, as if it is out of your immediate reach. To believe that salvation depends upon great effort and a great amount of time would be in direct contradiction to all that it teaches.
To believe that release from our confinement is beyond our immediate reach is a statement to deny what you are: the Son of God, one with God. Even if you feel that you will not make the choice for Truth today, it is most helpful to accept the teaching that Truth is always within your grasp because it is within your own mind.
Effect is not separate from cause. The effect of salvation is directly one with with cause of acceptance. All you need do is accept the Holy Spirit't teaching fully. That start line is also the finish line. You may choose for it to take much time, but that IS simply a choice. And too is fine. I am not saying that it is wrong. Since all time is illusion, it only seems to take time, and only the extent that we want it to take time... still insisting that time (and thus separation) is real.
You say: "An interesting thought that Liz seems to make is that we learn the course so that we can let it go and begin the serious work in our spiritual growth."
Yes, but does that mean to put the Course aside before we have accepted its teachings? Clearly not.
I don't recall indicating that I think what you suggest that I think. :-/ My only comment about you was about your suggestion to Sosolobi: "true forgiveness recognizes none of this is real. That awareness comes when the Truth is true for you and you can let go of the whole story of a world. In the meantime, don't try to forgive. You will only make yourself more uncomfortable. (ACIM calls the ego's version of forgiveness "forgiveness-to-destroy"). Instead, grow your awareness of Truth and don't judge yourself for your reactions to the world. They will pass."
I agree with almost all of it, and in fact you do state the most important point, that none of this is real. And yet the Course teaches the importance of forgiveness from the very early chapters and throughout. Yes, it is meaningless to try to 'forgive' in the ego's way. Absolutely! But without forgiveness there will be no real growing of the awareness of Truth. So one MUST begin to accept the unreality of the world, even from the beginning of the path. Otherwise there IS no path. In any case, that is what has worked for me. And though I am still a fence sitter, I have made huge gains along the path and it has started with taking the Course at its word.
That is not quite true.
But in implication it is true. When you offer a loving smile to a brother you are already on the path. And ultimately that loving smile -- seeking nothing you need -- is a denial of the ego's thought system and a recognition that the world of perception is not the truth.
And I note your use of the word 'grounded', and I presume that you must mean that we do not want to lose any sense of self, or attempt to bolster the false self based, as you say, on ego-based accomplishment and specialness. Yes, so important.
All grounding must be in Truth.
Though when we contemplate letting go of the personal self it may feel that we are threatening the 'grounding' that the personal self *seems* to offer. It does seem to take a long time to gain the confidence to acknowledge that the personal self offers nothing of value. Yes, in that sense the ladder analogy is a good one. And it is important to never feel that we must hurry, as if the world of time is real. Nothing is lost in it seeming to take much time.
Thank you!
We don't let go of the personal self, we can't realistically contemplate what letting it go means. This is the Holy Spirits area and contemplating strengthens the ego. But what I writing has turned into just a bunch of words so it's time to stop.
liz, that was a very intriguing response! like your last response, i get the feeling that the confusion it engendered has the potential to lead to an understanding which would stop me beating my head against a brick wall! i have a couple of questions.
do you think what you described (peace coming to you apart from the ego) is a concept that can be grasped, or begin to be understood, by a self, before the experience has been.. experienced?!
because i dont think i understand what you mean by 'it is not personal happiness'. what IS it that experiences peace, happiness etc in your mind, if not your perception of you as you? you said re the egos stories 'they just dont effect me', and 'i have peace'. isnt that me the personal self.. and so the peace would be personal?
is there still a voice/perception in your mind, that you simply dont believe anymore?? and a voice/perception that you do believe? while we perceive ourselves AS selves in a world, does the one spilt mind, the 'son of god' remain split, but just no longer taken seriously!?
about 16 years ago, pre acim time, i was standing in a friends kitchen and i felt what i thought was brett tap my shoulder firmly, twice, i turned around and there was no one there. (brett had been teaching me that perceptions i believed and trusted in fully could be completely mistaken, and was also teaching me about 'spirit guides'.)
then, in my very early acim days i went to learn how to do 'reconnective healing' and the same thing happened while i was listening to a talk. all i can recall is that just before the taps on my shoulder, that the speaker was talking about 'a secret garden' in our minds, where there was an undisturbable peace. it struck me as i had brought a notebook along to the course which a friend had given me, and she had written 'hannahs secret garden' on the front cover.
the last one actually happened a couple days before the shoulder taps at the 'healing' course.. i was actually having the 'reconnective healing' done myself, which i knew was supposed to be a hands off healing, no touching the body. i thought desley was running her finger along my fingers and toes, and was getting annoyed as id paid $333 to get the reconnection done, and i wanted her to be doing what id paid for. then i felt (what i thought was her) hold me firmly on my right forearm. it didnt feel 'mystical or radiating love' or anything, it just felt like a warm, firm and very human touch. i thought to myself 'bugger 'surrendering to the experience', im going to say something to her' and opened my eyes. the hand on my arm disappeared, and desley wasnt there, i turned my head and she was a metre away on the other side of the massage table. i started laughing, and hardly stopped for the remainder of the session.
now.. i can understand that all these experiences where simply a way to start leading myself into trust, into not feeling so alone, and also possibly to get myself to pay attention to aspects of learning i may have missed otherwise. what im wondering is.. why did the touches feel so human and normal? i had already been experiencing very vivid energetic kinds of feelings, my attention could have easily been 'got' by a continuation of that kind of non physical experience. why would these feel completely solidly person like? doesnt matter if theres not an answer, my peace isnt disturbed by these memories, but i have wondered about it.
ok, thats odd, i just had another experience of synchronicity relating to that time.
I do not intend to interrupt or hijack your dialogue with Liz. So, of course, feel free to bracket this off, if that feels better.
So here it is: You want connection with what you perceive as others, because you know on some level that you are the One Self, and thus there is no separation. But, at the same time, you still fear that oneness because you have identified with the body and the personal self; and you value this identification. So a compromise is reached. You experience contact with others physically but also 'feel' the connection even when the bodies are not in contact. Thus you are giving yourself the confirmation that connection is more than physical, yet still seeming to experiencing it as a 'physical touch' so as to protect your identification with the body. So, in this sense, the experience is just what you are giving yourself as transition to a less rigid thought; from the thought that all that exists is physical, to the thought that real connection is somewhat beyond the physical, while still experienced as physical.
Of course you already know that communication -- connection -- is more than physical (though in truth it is not physical at all), but you don't really believe if fully unless it has a physical aspect, so this is what you have decided to experience, as a transition, or compromise.
“It lets the Holy Spirit make exchange of pictures possible, until the time when aids are meaningless and learning done. No learning aid has use that can extend beyond the goal of learning. When its aim has been accomplished it is functionless. Yet in the learning interval it has a use that now you fear, but yet will love.”
Pps. 573-74 Text
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Don't Measure - Trust
For a long time if I was cranky or uncomfortable or simply not at peace I thought I was “failing” on my path to reach God. This was of course a daily occurrence. I measured every tiny up or down as though my mood was the measure of my success on my path to God. And if I was depressed, conflicted, or unhappy – which was most of the time – I’d think that perhaps I was stalled, or worse, that I’d had a set-back.
What I’ve learned along the way, though, is that what I am personally going through has nothing at all to do with the Holy Spirit in me. To think it does is the arrogance of the ego. The Holy Spirit works through me and in me regardless of all of the ego’s frantic distractions. I did my individual part years ago when I invited the Holy Spirit into my awareness so I’ve already “succeeded”, if you want to call it that. In time I learned that peace comes when I stop measuring and I trust. I trust that God is here despite what is appearing in front of the body’s eyes or the ego’s variable moods. When I listen to the ego and ride its roller-coaster of moods I am not failing, I am not even delaying – I am doing nothing. God is. And being aware that God is unchanged and unchangeable is peace.
As to your question about what is experiencing all of this if not the personal self: it is a mind that thinks it is having an experience of a personal self. It was the experience of peace coming to stay apart from the personal self that taught me that the personal self is not me.
For your question about those experiences of tapping: I have no idea what they were about. They seem like idiosyncratic experiences that it is best to take to the Holy Spirit for an explanation.
On page 642 of MACIM it says: " The body's health is your witness to a healed mind. As long as healing is not manifested in the body, your belief in healing will not have conviction. Healing is proved by demonstration that compels your belief..."
Do we take this literally?
christine! yesterday at 9:04 am (such detail... i just went and checked!) i shared a video to my timeline that someone else had posted (on facebook) of joni mitchell singing both sides now, back in the 70's!! laugh.. speaking of One Mind! ;)
A few comments above I asked Liz about a quote from MACIM. When I asked I was thinking in terms of the dream is real. That was the way I was asking. In meditation this morning and doing a little reading I really realized how impossible it is for this mind to grasp "Ideas leave not their source." To grasp "the idea in the mind-which literally means there is no world outside our minds." It's impossible. I say this because I could sense the faintest glimmerings of the Holy Spirit making the transition to experience this in this mind. "You cannot understand forgiveness, let alone the practice of it, let alone what it means to hear the Holy Spirit, unless your really understand what the underlying metaphysics is. There is literally no world outside our minds." I am excited because even with this very faint shift in my experience the world moved.
Quotes from a Wapnick piece on the Rules for Decision in Chapter 30, Section 1.
ive been actually starting to realise/accept what 'the course isnt talking to me personally', but to the 'one split mind', the decision maker as ken calls it, the learner as liz calls it.. (im pretty sure ive made the right connections between what ken and liz are speaking of) means.
this led to some confusion, because while i thought the course was talking to me personally, it made sense to imagine the personal self changing, transforming into the holy spirit i guess! which meant in practise that i was still trying to fix myself, others; the world. in other words, i was trying to change my ego, not change what voice i was listening to!
this has led to another understanding/connection, upon awakening this morning. when i feel as though the course is 'talking' to me personally, im taking the idea from acim 'the world you see is an outer picture of an inner condition' personally, which leads to me feeling personally responsible for pain and suffering, and therefore responsible for fixing it. all of which just made the individual self seem realer. even sitting here right now, focusing on growing in awareness of true perception, im believing that ideas have left their source and im trying to bring peace to this 'i'! but i can see now what im doing, and the impossibility of that.. and what im loving (right at this minute anyway ;) )is that i dont feel guilty for it!! im at the beginning of this process, of developing trust that truth offers what i really want, not the personal self. im sure i will experience ego backlash to these perception shifts, which will offer the opportunity to practise remembering all of the above!