Trust Takes Time, With People and With Truth
I’ve always preferred to be in love than to fall in love.
Oh, sure, falling in love is exciting. But it’s also terrifying. (There’s a
fine line between exciting and terrifying). It takes time and exposure to a
person to know if you can trust them. And in the beginning your feelings for
this stranger far outstrip your knowledge of them. If you feel early on that
you can trust them it is an illusion
based on your trust for someone of whom they unconsciously remind you. In other
words, when you fall in love you risk getting hurt. And this makes it stressful.
It is the same when one first becomes aware of Truth. Can
this wonderful experience be trusted? Of course it is stressful when you begin
a spiritual path. Oh, sure, it’s exciting at the beginning, too. You are so
hungry for the experience. You are so hungry for books and teachers and
anything that will bring the experience to mind. But don’t underestimate your
distrust. This is why when you step away from those moments and books and
teachers you are in doubt. You swing back to the uncomfortable, but familiar,
personal thought system (ego) and its world. It seems safer to return to
familiar pain than to risk an unfamiliar pain if the Truth turns out to be
untrustworthy.
As trust is learned to be justified in a relationship, love
deepens, and stress falls away. It is the same with your relationship with the
Awareness of Truth (Holy Spirit). But here’s the difference: With people there
is always a limit to trust. What we really learn with others is where we can
and cannot trust them. For example, you may learn that your partner can be
trusted to be there for you emotionally. But he or she cannot be trusted to
handle the finances. Is that a deal breaker for the relationship? It depends on
you and your values. We all prioritize our values. In all of our relationships
with people we unconsciously and consciously weigh our values against what the
other has to offer in the relationship. No one is perfect. No one is going to
fill all of our needs or meet all of our values. We let in those who meet the
needs and values we hold highest.
But with the Awareness of Truth in your mind there is no
need to limit trust. It is wholly trustworthy. However, coming from human
relationships and their relative trustworthiness, it takes a long time to
accept this. It seems too good to be true that there is Something wholly
trustworthy. And in the world of relativity anything that seems too good to be
true is not true. Students so often ask me why this process to peace takes so
long. Well, because it all comes down to trust. That’s why in the Teacher’s
Manual A Course in Miracles lays out
the process as the “Development of Trust”.
I found it helpful along the way, when I saw that I was not
willing to let in the Awareness of Truth, to acknowledge that I just didn’t
trust It enough yet. It did not matter
that I wanted to trust. Trust isn’t something that can be forced. It cannot be
faked. I either trusted or I did not trust. There’s no middle ground. No matter
how much I wanted to trust the proof that I did not trust was in my
unwillingness to let in the Awareness of Truth. Accepting this unwillingness
reminded me that I was not at the mercy of some outside power. The block was in
me; nothing outside of me was withholding peace from me. Accepting this, at
least, empowered me.
Trust grows through exposure to the trustworthiness of that
which you want to trust. That’s why the path to peace is a two-pronged
approach: Let in the Awareness of Truth. And if you cannot, find and undo your
blocks to letting in the Awareness of Truth. This takes time.
I found it helpful to not only acknowledge my lack of trust
to myself but also to the Awareness of Truth. “I know You’re here. But I just
don’t trust you. Here’s why…” This way I at least kept the lines of
communication to It open.
>>>>>
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Comments
ok.. bottom line.. when i say 'heres why' i basically usually just want to attack truth, and tell it its not good enough and is letting me down somehow.. and part of me is like right.. theres the call for love.. remove your judgement from it as meaning anything, and be kind, but when i do this i feel more guilty after every attack rant.
another part of me says no, the most helpful thing to practise right now would be skipping the rant and going straight to defining this in some terms of ego dynamic, apply the ways of looking that youve learned, strengthen the 'truest' way of seeing of which you are now aware. but when i do that i feel chastised by myself!
i feel silly asking this question, for some reason, but it does my head in on a regular basis!
will, thank you too.. i really enjoyed your first comment, im glad it came through to my computer. i think the choice of the word rule was good.. it helped me to connect the guilt i was feeling not only with wanting to be using the most helpful approach and not.. 'wasting time', but with thinking i was not 'doing what god wanted, not following the right rule..' it was a helpful and appropriate comment for me right then.
funnily enough, i dont come from a religious background. mum started practising zen buddhism when i was at school, but she never really talked much with us kids about it, we just knew that she was wanting to be more peaceful, and that she liked sitting quietly with these people, and we knew that she really respected (the) roshi, who we liked because he was gentle. dad was angrily atheistic.. the (more obviously) abusive and shame based parent. when he was angry it was like being in a room with a demon.. and til.. well, round about nowish, hopefully ;), thats what it felt like being with my angry self too. i didnt need a religion to give form to my terror of anger, or fear that it would be punished! stuck and exhausted is exactly how ive felt, as you obviously understand. developing trust in the voice for truth in me is bit by bit dissolving the experience of stuckness though, as i experience more that all IS unfolding perfectly.. even falling back down the rabbit hole into justified projection is turning out to be helpful every single time. i feel less and less belief that the ensuing shame is justified.. liz just helped knock a big chunk off that little chestnut ;)
im wondering about one line in your last comment though, will, about the hs being silent at this point. im kinda thinking.. if we see the value in liz' response to my question, and accpet it.. and give ourselves complete permission to just feel it all, express it all, lay it all on the line trusting that this IS a healthy approach, seeing as we will 'sit down and talk about it lovingly' afterward, well then.. maybe hs isnt silent at that point? we may or may not be choosing, or giving ourselves permission to hear the loving voice.. but it is not silent.. just gentle and quiet? did i understand you comment? i mean.. what im experiencing is that when i dont feel guilty for the lack of love im feeling, then it now feels like hs is present, and communicating, even if it doesnt feel like im 'joining in/hearing the communication yet due to the depth of my anger/fear (wanting to be right!) id already felt this with 'lesser or more veiled' anger but hadnt shifted into experiencing it with full blown unhidden rage. i get that this is still due to believing in the self and sin, the egos laws of chaos, and levels.. and that scool, its nice to understand that that is whats going on.
i hear you re this too "When I talked of the church and abusive parents I was speaking to people new in the program. People sorting things out. Addressing things that caused me problems." cos.. well, me too, if thats what i feel when im writing! it may or may not help 'another mind', when i do that, or it might just be.. consolidating my own learning more, who knows! lol.. maybe, will, someone in twenty years time will read this conversation and have light bulbs going off left right and centre, shifting into dropping guilt and self judgement.. and everyone else to look at it might think what a load of ****! maybe its just you and me who will move into being gentler and less judgemental of ourselves.
anyhow.. ive always been glad when id already commented, so that i got your deleted messages anyway ;) and really often not just glad but also grateful!
The recognition of the cause showed the mind it's conditioning and as it comes up, I look at it and smile. Just the other day I caught how my mind immediately began to chastie itself for using what it deemed to be a "wrong" descriptive word that could be perceived as insulting. I saw the self judgment dialogue right away and brought it to the Holy Spirit. In the past I would have stewed over it for days. Now I see my own call for love and like a childhood friend, I easily forgive her. After all, love is all that is perfect so I choose That.
Deb
So I go from being good in order to appease a god and avoid punishment to switching to not feeling good or happy or loved as a way to self punish.
If I am not appeasing to mitigate guilt I project the punishment onto myself instead. How many ways can the fear of God be projected? If not at peace, ask within, what's up? and you will be shown.
Gratitude to my brother. Deb
oh, best check in with that i think, im not really sure if im feeling that uncomfortable because im seeing something more clearly, or because my mind is being tricksy again.
liz, is that right?
wow will, my niece had a very similar experience after wandering into a church one night. she had zero religious background at all. different drug, same sudden and complete dropping of it. seeing her trust in something grow, and her care for herself grow, has been a great joy xx so wonderful to feel worthy of Care xx
The looking toward others to see what is going on with myself, is something that I read about, but have not really been able to get a handle on.
um. can i feel discomfort that isnt the egos?? is discomfort that arises from seeing an ego dynamic more clearly.. well, that discomfort must also be the ego, right? if its not peace, its ego? would calling it 'my' discomfort be more a statement of the purpose i chose for the discomfort? as in, egos discomfort has the purpose of reinforcing guilt and doubt, whereas 'my' discomfort has the purpose of looking at the guilt and doubt and using it as impetus to turn inward to truth and forgiveness?
or did you ask me something else, does 'my discomfort' have a different meaning?
Deb
Deb
I asked the question so you would look at what the ego is saying about itself and you may be taking on for yourself.
thank you liz.. i did get the feeling you were asking so that i had the opportunity to reach for this clarity myself, but it was strange, still very uncomfortable. ive felt for days like i did for the first few years studying this course. its like.. i couldnt/refused to remember, when i asked myself "ok, put the picture of what story 'is' going on here (not my specific story but the general picture) together, then look at your question again" and it felt impossible.. like.. everything i had learned and expereinced was foggy and vague and jumping around so i couldnt look at it! like something had wiped half the info off my hard drive, and so the info that was left didnt make sense any more. any question i asked myself, the only reply i felt i could give was ummmm..
at first i felt threatened, and like, oh s***, if this can go, did i have it at all?? i felt totally overwhelmed by the idea of finding relevant clarifying information in the books, yours or acim, like theres too much, how can you possible do this, needle in a haystack blah blah.
then yesterday (practising lesson 100 in PACIM) i just sank back into the trusting that everything is unfolding perfectly, and last night realised i had switched to looking forward to sitting down and getting back to basics and finding the info, if thats what i needed to do then hey! rock n roll, so be it. then reading liz reply this morning suddenly i could see the whole map (as i have seen it to date at any rate) again, no fog.
as far as i can feel/see, i was feeling and taking on the belief that i killed Love. that i am real and have real effects, that the power of my thoughts is something i need to fear, because they do exist and are meaningful. that my selfishness in wanting to be me is very very harmful, and man do i feel guilty (still, right now) that pain is felt as real, its intolerable. oh,its like.. i didnt just kill love, but tortured it. made my brothers so i could hurt them. oh dear.. hearts thumping again, fear and sorrow and a bit panicky.. but this is ok, this time.. im going to realllly sit with hs and this feeling, and give myself time, no rush like i usually do. many many thanks liz, will, deb.
just wanna say.. its been a very odd weekend all round.. two lovely miracle experiences with family of just dropping guilt and projection in different (specific) circumstances, after first going into more intense hurt-rejection/rage-judgement-should rants then i have felt for a long time.
"Instead of thinking I am a person in the world trying to wake up, I am awake and tempted to sleep."
Deb
Deb
i realised im just cycling through the same .. idea, feelings, beliefs, and each time its just a bit more between me myself and i and a little less projection outward. it still feels like projection from this self, me, onto its self and outward, not projection from one mind onto selves.. but thats ok, trust takes time with truth as well as with people :D
i had a more recent dream where road blocks which seemed like they would have to cause a diversion from the path, grey, dreary and depressing concrete blocks, turned out, upon approaching them despite their complete yuk-ness, to be drinking fountains at which i quenched my thirst completely, but you couldnt see that from a distance, you had to be up close and personal with them! the next day i listened to a talk by ken wapnick in which he described the blocks to our awareness of loves presence (reality) as the personal selves royal road to forgivness, and that when seen with the hs they become something which we no longer see as threatening, but have respect for, not in and of themselves, because they are in fact nothing, but because in practise, they simply are the path while the idea of a path has any meaning to us. part of the meaning i found in the dream was about the lack of value in trying to fix or change, (and how this desire was a distraction from turning inward and being responsible for my own feelings) and the value (love) to be found in acceptance. so, im just trying to be honest and accept where i am, and let it unfold. and i accept that despite all this, a lot of that motivation is still about spiritualising the self.. i wanna be peacefuller ;) its really funny when im in a forgiving state of mind! actually..its even funny right now, in my mood of disquiet. nice!
Deb