Trust Takes Time, With People and With Truth

I’ve always preferred to be in love than to fall in love. Oh, sure, falling in love is exciting. But it’s also terrifying. (There’s a fine line between exciting and terrifying). It takes time and exposure to a person to know if you can trust them. And in the beginning your feelings for this stranger far outstrip your knowledge of them. If you feel early on that you can trust them it is an illusion based on your trust for someone of whom they unconsciously remind you. In other words, when you fall in love you risk getting hurt. And this makes it stressful.

It is the same when one first becomes aware of Truth. Can this wonderful experience be trusted? Of course it is stressful when you begin a spiritual path. Oh, sure, it’s exciting at the beginning, too. You are so hungry for the experience. You are so hungry for books and teachers and anything that will bring the experience to mind. But don’t underestimate your distrust. This is why when you step away from those moments and books and teachers you are in doubt. You swing back to the uncomfortable, but familiar, personal thought system (ego) and its world. It seems safer to return to familiar pain than to risk an unfamiliar pain if the Truth turns out to be untrustworthy.

As trust is learned to be justified in a relationship, love deepens, and stress falls away. It is the same with your relationship with the Awareness of Truth (Holy Spirit). But here’s the difference: With people there is always a limit to trust. What we really learn with others is where we can and cannot trust them. For example, you may learn that your partner can be trusted to be there for you emotionally. But he or she cannot be trusted to handle the finances. Is that a deal breaker for the relationship? It depends on you and your values. We all prioritize our values. In all of our relationships with people we unconsciously and consciously weigh our values against what the other has to offer in the relationship. No one is perfect. No one is going to fill all of our needs or meet all of our values. We let in those who meet the needs and values we hold highest.

But with the Awareness of Truth in your mind there is no need to limit trust. It is wholly trustworthy. However, coming from human relationships and their relative trustworthiness, it takes a long time to accept this. It seems too good to be true that there is Something wholly trustworthy. And in the world of relativity anything that seems too good to be true is not true. Students so often ask me why this process to peace takes so long. Well, because it all comes down to trust. That’s why in the Teacher’s Manual A Course in Miracles lays out the process as the “Development of Trust”.

I found it helpful along the way, when I saw that I was not willing to let in the Awareness of Truth, to acknowledge that I just didn’t trust  It enough yet. It did not matter that I wanted to trust. Trust isn’t something that can be forced. It cannot be faked. I either trusted or I did not trust. There’s no middle ground. No matter how much I wanted to trust the proof that I did not trust was in my unwillingness to let in the Awareness of Truth. Accepting this unwillingness reminded me that I was not at the mercy of some outside power. The block was in me; nothing outside of me was withholding peace from me. Accepting this, at least, empowered me.

Trust grows through exposure to the trustworthiness of that which you want to trust. That’s why the path to peace is a two-pronged approach: Let in the Awareness of Truth. And if you cannot, find and undo your blocks to letting in the Awareness of Truth. This takes time.

I found it helpful to not only acknowledge my lack of trust to myself but also to the Awareness of Truth. “I know You’re here. But I just don’t trust you. Here’s why…” This way I at least kept the lines of communication to It open.

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Comments

hannah said…
liz, i am curious about the 'heres why' part of the communication with holy spirit. ive felt that clarifying the block within myself was valuable and helpful, but i sometimes get stuck in this weird cycle of trying to figure out the 'most helpful way of describing it', which increases the feeling if fear. so like.. when you say 'heres why' do you express the dynamic you see going on within you in the most 'spiritual' perception you have of whats occuring, or do you express the basic ego stuff you feel going on? swear words and all!?

ok.. bottom line.. when i say 'heres why' i basically usually just want to attack truth, and tell it its not good enough and is letting me down somehow.. and part of me is like right.. theres the call for love.. remove your judgement from it as meaning anything, and be kind, but when i do this i feel more guilty after every attack rant.

another part of me says no, the most helpful thing to practise right now would be skipping the rant and going straight to defining this in some terms of ego dynamic, apply the ways of looking that youve learned, strengthen the 'truest' way of seeing of which you are now aware. but when i do that i feel chastised by myself!

i feel silly asking this question, for some reason, but it does my head in on a regular basis!
hannah said…
both approaches leave me feeling not good enough.. failing at something. if i sit with this, the feeling dissipates a lot, and i can sink into some level of ;) trust of the process, and feel appreciation for where i am. the idea of needing to be a 'perfect' learner becomes funny. but there must be a better way, laugh! im in this gridlock of trying to find a loving way to express my mistrust. im sure im adding unnecessary discomfort to this process.
will said…
This comment has been removed by the author.
ACIM Mentor said…
Hannah (and Will, actually), the Holy Spirit is unassailable.It cannot be hurt so It has no need to defend Itself so It is not going to hurt you. So lay it all on the line to It. Exactly as you feel it. Swearing and all. That's what I've always done. The HS was my safety zone where I could be completely honest without fears of any kind. Then after my emotional outburst we (HS and I) can then get down to looking at the situation with rationality and love.
" ALL ARE CALLED BUT FEW CHOOSE TO LISTEN "
will said…
Hannah seems to be coming from a past religious back ground. I was raised Catholic and as a kid enjoyed it. As a teen I got bored with it. Catholicism was a religion where the anger that Liz and Hannah are talking about was a death sentence. A sentence to hell. As you get older you find how ingrained those rules really are. Same with having an abusive or shame based parent. Both of these leave terrible deep scars when dealing with a perceived authority figure. That gives some validity to Hannah but you can't stay there, you have to find a way out of that mind set. But God is silent, the Holy Spirit is unassailable but he is silent at this point also. A lot of us face this type of hurdle in one way or another. It really can leave you out there stuck and exhausted.
hannah said…
liz.. ah, well then!!! laughing out loud.. that just makes perfect sense seeing it laid out like that. thank you!! this is going to be muuuuuuuch easier! i wanted to be approaching this in the most helpful way, and i can see that the complete honesty in laying it on the line as you say, is helping to grow the trust in love. THEN apply the other approach.. thanks for helping me let go of the guilt round this, very much xx

will, thank you too.. i really enjoyed your first comment, im glad it came through to my computer. i think the choice of the word rule was good.. it helped me to connect the guilt i was feeling not only with wanting to be using the most helpful approach and not.. 'wasting time', but with thinking i was not 'doing what god wanted, not following the right rule..' it was a helpful and appropriate comment for me right then.

funnily enough, i dont come from a religious background. mum started practising zen buddhism when i was at school, but she never really talked much with us kids about it, we just knew that she was wanting to be more peaceful, and that she liked sitting quietly with these people, and we knew that she really respected (the) roshi, who we liked because he was gentle. dad was angrily atheistic.. the (more obviously) abusive and shame based parent. when he was angry it was like being in a room with a demon.. and til.. well, round about nowish, hopefully ;), thats what it felt like being with my angry self too. i didnt need a religion to give form to my terror of anger, or fear that it would be punished! stuck and exhausted is exactly how ive felt, as you obviously understand. developing trust in the voice for truth in me is bit by bit dissolving the experience of stuckness though, as i experience more that all IS unfolding perfectly.. even falling back down the rabbit hole into justified projection is turning out to be helpful every single time. i feel less and less belief that the ensuing shame is justified.. liz just helped knock a big chunk off that little chestnut ;)

im wondering about one line in your last comment though, will, about the hs being silent at this point. im kinda thinking.. if we see the value in liz' response to my question, and accpet it.. and give ourselves complete permission to just feel it all, express it all, lay it all on the line trusting that this IS a healthy approach, seeing as we will 'sit down and talk about it lovingly' afterward, well then.. maybe hs isnt silent at that point? we may or may not be choosing, or giving ourselves permission to hear the loving voice.. but it is not silent.. just gentle and quiet? did i understand you comment? i mean.. what im experiencing is that when i dont feel guilty for the lack of love im feeling, then it now feels like hs is present, and communicating, even if it doesnt feel like im 'joining in/hearing the communication yet due to the depth of my anger/fear (wanting to be right!) id already felt this with 'lesser or more veiled' anger but hadnt shifted into experiencing it with full blown unhidden rage. i get that this is still due to believing in the self and sin, the egos laws of chaos, and levels.. and that scool, its nice to understand that that is whats going on.
hannah said…
levels of wrongness/rightness i meant
will said…
A problem I have is writing things without background. When I was writing the stuff about not hearing the HS I was picturing myself at 2,3,5 years. The confusion of "experiential and silence." Calling on the HS in meditation because this is an experiential program and getting this deafening silence. I still have my moments but most of the time I physically feel the HS in my chest area; at least that's my perception. Coming from a history of praying to God like I did as a child to help stop drinking, followed by never drinking again (32 years) I believe the HS is participating in my life. The gift of taking away the desire for alcohol, believing God intervened, it would be a betrayal of the worst kind to suddenly say God didn't really intervene in my life. Hannah you have the communication thing down pretty well in my opinion. When I talked of the church and abusive parents I was speaking to people new in the program. People sorting things out. Addressing things that caused me problems.
will said…
Hannah I delete what I have written too often. I know I do. My mind says I'm being rude or attacking or being presumptuous. The course says I should not be the judge of my behavior etc. and I try to follow that but sometimes the voice in my head is too loud and convincing.
hannah said…
yeah, i hear you, i really do. i have sat in front of the computer for ages agonising over what i had written, especially when i first started communicating on this blog. id go over the same kind of things.. alll the ways it could be perceived, misunderstood etc etc, all the extremes from being a know it all to being silly.. but i noticed the way the flow of the conversations went, and how much i tended to learn when i just let myslef say what i wanted to say, regardless of if i thought it might be be helpful or not, and sometimes other people also felt helped by the flow of the conversation, so i just relaxed about it all more.

i hear you re this too "When I talked of the church and abusive parents I was speaking to people new in the program. People sorting things out. Addressing things that caused me problems." cos.. well, me too, if thats what i feel when im writing! it may or may not help 'another mind', when i do that, or it might just be.. consolidating my own learning more, who knows! lol.. maybe, will, someone in twenty years time will read this conversation and have light bulbs going off left right and centre, shifting into dropping guilt and self judgement.. and everyone else to look at it might think what a load of ****! maybe its just you and me who will move into being gentler and less judgemental of ourselves.

anyhow.. ive always been glad when id already commented, so that i got your deleted messages anyway ;) and really often not just glad but also grateful!
Anonymous said…
Reading these comments echoes some of the same with me and a miracle. One day I caught what I was doing and asked, what is this for?, This doing was my attempt at being perfect at communicating my thoughts and feelings which was my fear of being judged wrong, not perfect. So when I went within and asked, I heard these words, "appeasing a god". You see, I have been "playing good" all my life but not believing I was good. Having to "play" perfect was my way of mitigating my guilt. This conditioning has long roots and so I do not underestimate the fear but as trust grows, the need to "play" that role of good loosens.

The recognition of the cause showed the mind it's conditioning and as it comes up, I look at it and smile. Just the other day I caught how my mind immediately began to chastie itself for using what it deemed to be a "wrong" descriptive word that could be perceived as insulting. I saw the self judgment dialogue right away and brought it to the Holy Spirit. In the past I would have stewed over it for days. Now I see my own call for love and like a childhood friend, I easily forgive her. After all, love is all that is perfect so I choose That.

Deb
Anonymous said…
. . . And as I learn to accept, I Am That that is eternally perfect. There is no playing It, It Is It. Deb
Anonymous said…
I had to share as I grow my trust. . . So I post my few comments and then spend some time in Silence and the phone rings. It is my brother calling me again and this time I take his call. After the pleasantries of how are you, it is his response I am called to look at. He said "I am feeling so good I don't believe I am worthy". Then it occurred to me, what I was asking to be shown came in the form of my brother demonstrating what was in my mind that I was asking to see.

So I go from being good in order to appease a god and avoid punishment to switching to not feeling good or happy or loved as a way to self punish.

If I am not appeasing to mitigate guilt I project the punishment onto myself instead. How many ways can the fear of God be projected? If not at peace, ask within, what's up? and you will be shown.

Gratitude to my brother. Deb
will said…
Getting back to Liz’s blog, I had not been seeking the company of Jesus for some time. This is fairly recent. I was apologizing to him for being away. I had been going through a period where I just couldn’t find spiritual motivation. The word lazy describes it for me. For most of my life if something like this happened I had to go through a period where Jesus/HS would not respond and I could feel this void. In time I would reconnect if I did my spiritual program consistently. Looking back, I believed that the Holy Spirit knew how sincere I was (or wasn’t) and responded accordingly. If I was just going through the motions I was pretty much on my own. Writing this I realize I have a deep belief that there is an interaction going on with Will and the Holy Spirit. I believe he takes care of me in the dream. In 12 step this is kind of taken for granted. If you want to stay sober you need to keep the communication with the Holy Spirit open. Not that the HS is going to punish you but that the ego is so strong you know you are powerless on your own. I give my finances and my health and my life in general to the Holy Spirit to take care of me. My whole life has been so out of control, so powerless, events just over whelming me that when I got sober through one short night of prayer, I knew I was being watched over.
hannah said…
deb, thanks! when you wrote 'appeasing a god' that really clicked. bit astonished right now that it hadnt really clicked before that my beliefs are idols, but i just felt it! and the terror that comes from knowing that my minds 'gods' are only content, or at least mollified, while im 'getting it right'. how 'i' have twisted perfect oneness into a thought of a threatening enemy. the/my belief in deviation from perfect love is so clear in the need to be perfect. my heart just started thumping a bit.. all that pressure, all that striving for an impossible goal. and i WANT that!? i want to be reality?? i dont feel very comfortable right now!

oh, best check in with that i think, im not really sure if im feeling that uncomfortable because im seeing something more clearly, or because my mind is being tricksy again.

liz, is that right?

wow will, my niece had a very similar experience after wandering into a church one night. she had zero religious background at all. different drug, same sudden and complete dropping of it. seeing her trust in something grow, and her care for herself grow, has been a great joy xx so wonderful to feel worthy of Care xx
ACIM Mentor said…
Hannah, I'm not sure why you're uncomfortable. Is it your discomfort or the ego's discomfort you are feeling?
will said…
Deb, Could you break down the last sentence in the first paragraph you wrote, "Then it occurred to me..."

The looking toward others to see what is going on with myself, is something that I read about, but have not really been able to get a handle on.
hannah said…
liz, ok, i will see if i can figure that out. its a simple question but it just raises more questions, i dont know what 'my discomfort' and the 'egos discomfort' are. laugh, i feel like a primary school kid whos realised she needs to go back to pre primary! i dont know liz.. what this is bringing up is that, i wasnt even clear what the question i asked meant, i need to look at the framework i asked the question from. or maybe a clearer way of saying that would be, this question might be pointing to something else i havent understood, and when i understand that this question wont be anymore.

um. can i feel discomfort that isnt the egos?? is discomfort that arises from seeing an ego dynamic more clearly.. well, that discomfort must also be the ego, right? if its not peace, its ego? would calling it 'my' discomfort be more a statement of the purpose i chose for the discomfort? as in, egos discomfort has the purpose of reinforcing guilt and doubt, whereas 'my' discomfort has the purpose of looking at the guilt and doubt and using it as impetus to turn inward to truth and forgiveness?

or did you ask me something else, does 'my discomfort' have a different meaning?
Anonymous said…
Well Will, I'll try. My classroom as I understand it of late and actually for some time now has been about healing my belief I am unworthy of love. I experience spells of feeling alone and unloved and something I hide from the world while hiding from the world. I have recognized I wear the false mask of a happy person. So when my brother called the other night, he was the mirror to what was in my mind. Believing I am not worthy of feeling good, of being happy. I recognized the falseness and unworthiness as my own. I continually ask the Holy Spirit's help and healing. I will say that happiness, true happiness does light up this mind and when I do slip back to my old ways, I don't stay stuck for very long. The unfolding is strengthened my trust and Awareness I Am the Self. I go back and forth and I hear that is just how it is for a time. I hope I provided better clarity for you Will. Bless you, Deb
will said…
Deb, So, when you talk with others you use that as a reflection of your own mind? This is what I am understanding the course to say. But it's hard for me to commit to doing this. Liz you can step in if you want.
Anonymous said…
The Holy Spirit will use all forms for healing. Over the past year I began recognizing my lesson in others. In fact it is always my lesson. Sometimes dreams show me what I repressed. I have others show me when I am playing the martyr, or victim and when I am spiritualizing the ego. When I catch myself story telling involving others I look for my reflection.

Deb
Anonymous said…
The "I" being spoken above is the decision maker, the learner. That "I" is being shown with the help of "others" how it is identifying with the ego and judging as annoying. The judgment is that ego can be chatty and a bit of a spiritual know it all. I, the observer of the story playing out watches a play of annoyance. When I am identifying with the ego self, she is annoyed or takes personal "others" reflecing annoyance of her. But I am not her. The lesson is showing me that I have been identifying with an ego who can be annoying. Look, let go, release.

Deb
Anonymous said…
One other thing that just came through is now detach. As I allowed the play of annoyance to teach me, I now detach from identifying with the character in the dteam. Let her be chatty all she wants, I will remain the silent Awareness. Deb
will said…
In your 4:55AM post; lesson = self awareness?
Anonymous said…
Lesson, well yes, self awareness of the unforgiveness that needs to be looked at and let go. Deb
ACIM Mentor said…
Hannah, you are the mind that identifies with the ego or not. When you do, you feel its discomfort is your own. For example, students of ACIM can feel that ACIM is trying to kill them. Obviously it is not. But it is teaching you how to undo your identification with the ego. And to the ego there is no difference between you withdrawing your power from it and it dying. So for someone still identified with the ego it can feel as though you are the one dying. So you have to question what the ego teaches so you can sort yourself out from it.

I asked the question so you would look at what the ego is saying about itself and you may be taking on for yourself.
will said…
"YOU ARE THE MIND THAT IDENTIFIES WTH THE EGO OR NOT." Got to hang on to those one liners, they're a life saver. Good one Liz.
hannah said…
im with you there will, reading that line just cleared the fog!

thank you liz.. i did get the feeling you were asking so that i had the opportunity to reach for this clarity myself, but it was strange, still very uncomfortable. ive felt for days like i did for the first few years studying this course. its like.. i couldnt/refused to remember, when i asked myself "ok, put the picture of what story 'is' going on here (not my specific story but the general picture) together, then look at your question again" and it felt impossible.. like.. everything i had learned and expereinced was foggy and vague and jumping around so i couldnt look at it! like something had wiped half the info off my hard drive, and so the info that was left didnt make sense any more. any question i asked myself, the only reply i felt i could give was ummmm..

at first i felt threatened, and like, oh s***, if this can go, did i have it at all?? i felt totally overwhelmed by the idea of finding relevant clarifying information in the books, yours or acim, like theres too much, how can you possible do this, needle in a haystack blah blah.

then yesterday (practising lesson 100 in PACIM) i just sank back into the trusting that everything is unfolding perfectly, and last night realised i had switched to looking forward to sitting down and getting back to basics and finding the info, if thats what i needed to do then hey! rock n roll, so be it. then reading liz reply this morning suddenly i could see the whole map (as i have seen it to date at any rate) again, no fog.

as far as i can feel/see, i was feeling and taking on the belief that i killed Love. that i am real and have real effects, that the power of my thoughts is something i need to fear, because they do exist and are meaningful. that my selfishness in wanting to be me is very very harmful, and man do i feel guilty (still, right now) that pain is felt as real, its intolerable. oh,its like.. i didnt just kill love, but tortured it. made my brothers so i could hurt them. oh dear.. hearts thumping again, fear and sorrow and a bit panicky.. but this is ok, this time.. im going to realllly sit with hs and this feeling, and give myself time, no rush like i usually do. many many thanks liz, will, deb.

just wanna say.. its been a very odd weekend all round.. two lovely miracle experiences with family of just dropping guilt and projection in different (specific) circumstances, after first going into more intense hurt-rejection/rage-judgement-should rants then i have felt for a long time.
Anonymous said…
I heard this one liner in a video recording with a mighty companion, Susan Sullivan.

"Instead of thinking I am a person in the world trying to wake up, I am awake and tempted to sleep."

Deb
Anonymous said…
I have had my dismantling too Hannah and in opening to a deeper call, the focus shifted on what I am being absorbed into verses what is being let go. Ah, the calm after the storm.

Deb
will said…
Deb, Thanks for mentioning Susan Sullivan, I went to her web site and she really is something.
will said…
Deb, I guess it was just a video I was watching. Does she have a site?
will said…
Suzanne is correct spelling if anyone is looking into this.
Anonymous said…
It was a video I was pointed to Will. I did find this site for other videos. Suzanne-i-am-one.net/living-miracles-monastary/
will said…
I watched a couple of her video's. She is very involved with the Living Miracles Center started by David Hoffmeister. All this is fine but it appeared to me she was pretty enamored with Hoffmeister as a spiritual leader or guru. Again this is all fine but I have a knee jerk reaction to this kind of thing. Liz is a pretty hard act to follow.
hannah said…
that sounds lovely deb! i look forward to that shift, despite the fact that i expereinced some moments of panic and terror yesterday because i realised that i have no idea what it would feel like to not identify as a self seeking for perfection who didnt feel guilty and had no lack to fill, (ive touched on that feeling before, but yesterday it felt super threatening) but im currently just trusting the process! i had a dream this year that a huge storm was approaching, and i was running back and forth between cowering under a bench inside the house, terrified that the storm was going to be destructive, even life threatening, and standing out in the rain waiting with arms open for the storm to hit, feeling a great sense of joy; trust and beauty in the storm, a feeling of promise of release.

i realised im just cycling through the same .. idea, feelings, beliefs, and each time its just a bit more between me myself and i and a little less projection outward. it still feels like projection from this self, me, onto its self and outward, not projection from one mind onto selves.. but thats ok, trust takes time with truth as well as with people :D

i had a more recent dream where road blocks which seemed like they would have to cause a diversion from the path, grey, dreary and depressing concrete blocks, turned out, upon approaching them despite their complete yuk-ness, to be drinking fountains at which i quenched my thirst completely, but you couldnt see that from a distance, you had to be up close and personal with them! the next day i listened to a talk by ken wapnick in which he described the blocks to our awareness of loves presence (reality) as the personal selves royal road to forgivness, and that when seen with the hs they become something which we no longer see as threatening, but have respect for, not in and of themselves, because they are in fact nothing, but because in practise, they simply are the path while the idea of a path has any meaning to us. part of the meaning i found in the dream was about the lack of value in trying to fix or change, (and how this desire was a distraction from turning inward and being responsible for my own feelings) and the value (love) to be found in acceptance. so, im just trying to be honest and accept where i am, and let it unfold. and i accept that despite all this, a lot of that motivation is still about spiritualising the self.. i wanna be peacefuller ;) its really funny when im in a forgiving state of mind! actually..its even funny right now, in my mood of disquiet. nice!
Anonymous said…
Dismantling loyalty to the ego. This is what came through in meditation. The fear was recognized as betrayal that I was seeing in form. The only true loyalty is to God.

Deb
will said…
Deb You wrote "The fear was recognized as betrayal that I was seeing in form." What does that mean?
Anonymous said…
Without going into detail, betrayal of Self by identifying with the personal self. Specialness mostly.
will said…
Got it.

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