You Are Not A Victim; You Are Making A Choice
Often I hear from clients who are in painful situations that
they are not ready to leave. They feel powerless but they are not. And this is
what I show them. They are in the situation because something they value in the
situation outweighs the pain of the situation. When I point this out they find
what it is that they value and they feel empowered. They realize that nothing
is being done to them; they are at choice.
Here are some examples. (These are generic and not from any
client’s specific story):
Bob’s boss, Teri,
finds reasons to blame Bob for things that go wrong even when Bob is not
responsible. Bob has examined his own behavior in each situation and taken
responsibility where it is appropriate. But he’s also learned from other
employees who have worked for Teri longer than Bob has that Teri always finds a
scapegoat. And now it is Bob. Bob is unhappy and feels powerless. But he
doesn’t leave because he needs the income and he has no other job prospects.
When it is pointed out to him that he chooses to stay because his desire for
the income outweighs the pain of staying Bob feels better. Whenever he is
tempted to feel like a victim he reminds himself that he is making a choice and
why he is making that choice. This make him feel empowered and he finds he is
able to push back in a charge-neutral way when Teri blames him for mistakes
that are not his. This has made his job less stressful.
Janelle’s Aunt Betty
is a bitter, complaining woman who is never satisfied and never grateful. Betty
is elderly and needs a lot of assistance around the home and with
errand-running and doctor visits. Janelle is the one in the family who has the
time to take care of Betty but she resents this. Betty is very hard to be
around. When asked why she takes care of Betty, Janelle thinks about it and
says it is because family is important to her. She also does not want to have
any regrets when Betty is gone. She wants to be able to look at herself as a
“good niece”. It is pointed out to Janelle that she takes care of Betty for
herself. After recognizing this, when she is tempted to feel like a victim,
Janelle is able to remind herself, “I am doing this for myself. I am doing this
because family, no matter how obnoxious, is important to me. I am doing this so
that I don’t have regrets later.” She has shifted to feeling empowered about
taking care of Betty. Feeling empowered she has also found compassion for
Betty, who Janelle now realizes is just a frightened old lady. She still does
not enjoy taking care of Betty but she no longer feels powerless.
Krista is unhappy in
her marriage to Mark. He is selfish and distant and has no interest in learning
and growing to make their marriage better. When asked why she stays she says
that if she leaves him her income will be enough to live on but her lifestyle
will be greatly reduced. Wavering between staying and leaving has been a very
close thing. Until now maintaining her lifestyle only just outweighed the pain
of staying in the relationship. When she sees that staying is her choice based
on her values she realizes she is not a victim. She comes to the realization that
her fear of a lifestyle change is really not greater than the pain of staying
in a dead-end relationship. She feels empowered to make the choice to leave.
In any situation in which you are unhappy you are always at
choice. The power is yours. You stay because the pain (fear and/or practical
considerations) of leaving outweighs the pain of staying. Be honest with
yourself. Find what it is that you value more than what you would gain by
leaving. Then you will understand your choice, accept it, and feel empowered.
Or you will find that what you thought you valued is not really worth more than
what you expect to gain by leaving the situation and you will be empowered to act.
(By the way, you can apply this to the question, “Why do I
keep going back to ego?” You go back because you think it has something of
value for you. You are not a victim of the ego; you are the one making the
choice. When you learn that Truth is more valuable you will stop choosing ego.)
>>>>>
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Comments
and then reading the following
"They are in the situation because something they value in the situation outweighs the pain of the situation. When I point this out they find what it is that they value and they feel empowered. They realize that nothing is being done to them; they are at choice."
i felt guilty, and i realise it is because i must value pain, a lot. and i get that that is the same as valuing the ego, as you say in the last paragraph here. pain keeps the ego 'serious and real'. i do feel like a victim, of my own choice, a victim of my own mind. and i understand that an awareness of truth is the only way to shift from this belief/guilt to inner peace.
what im wondering is, how do i find the feeling of empowerment in that situation? i mean.. i have felt more and more motivated to meditate on/with truth much more often. is that empowerment, even though im basically still feeling increased turmoil rather than greater peace?
ah, ok, that question still stands, but i just realised im having a tantrum! because being at choice, rather than being a victim, does not necessarily mean that any 0f the choices regarding the 'thing/situation' around which i am choosing, will be something my ego actually enjoys. its like.. realising im not a victim, and then choosing the lesser of two 'evils'.
It's just a voice in your head. It's not you. If it was you, you would have shut it up long ago.
For a long time I had to accept that I was making a choice that was painful even though I was not able to make the other choice yet. But at least I felt empowered and was not adding to the pain with a story of victimhood. I accepted that I was in a process with no quick fix and that in time I would find my way out of pain. And I did.
Staying in thoughts about how unhappy you are is also a choice. Now you can make another choice: Ask the Holy Spirit to help you look at your situation differently. Then keep an open mind and see what comes...
when you say
"For a long time I had to accept that I was making a choice that was painful even though I was not able to make the other choice yet."
is that like.. you were unable to make the other choice, because you were still too attached to the self, and didnt have enough of an awareness of truth as true yet to allow for releasing that attachment? because i think thats what i was feeling guilty about when i read that line. im attached to myself, i value.. me, this life, despite the fear, shame, hatred and pain i still experience as me?
Let's say you were watching a child play make-believe with her toys. Would you be angry with her? Would you think she should feel guilty? No. You would recognize this is the natural stage of childhood. This is how the HS sees your attachment to the self. It's not going to stand above you and tell you that you are wrong or stupid and that you should be punished for playing make believe. It's going to get on the floor and play with you until It has your trust and can help you "out grow" make-believe, as it were. There's no reason to feel guilty for your attachment to the self and its world.
what a lesson to learn.. but I need to.. I want to learn how to forgive... and get on the other side where I see the real world... IN time in good time.. I need to wait it out like you did... thank you
and also laughing an extra bit liz, because the description you have used here has clarified two more dreams, lucky for you i get it already :D
im noticing that the gap i perceive and feel between me and HS diminishes in my mind as guilt drops. ah, thankee x
but i dont get what you meant in your first comment will? if it was me, i would have shut it up long ago?
Deb
I had just put on my counselor hat for a moment. Sometimes we get in emotional pain from all the mental activity. I guess I meant if the mind was you(or us)we would have some control over it, could turn it off and take a break. You are a very smart person Hannah which can be a disadvantage. Things like co-dependency is the ego on steroids. The mind becomes a bully and kind of throws you under the bus. ACIM is leading us towards the Holy Spirit showing us the ego is not us. With that we have freedom. "Stepping back" and looking at the mind is the poor mans ACIM. It gives you some space to take a break from the relentless chatter. Nice haircut by the way.
Will - and liz actually. are you speaking of the personal self rather than mind? mind is where we do have choice? it is the chooser? so like.. turning chatter off and having a break is something we can choose, because mind is what chose the chatter in the first place? but the content of the chatterer we cant choose because it isnt us?? and thanks, by the way!
The beauty of all this is you see right away the voice is "chattering" without your input or participation. And that is ACIM in a nutshell.
i get what you are saying now will, and it puts new meaning into the elvis song 'please dont drag that string around' which has been somewhat stuck in my head ;)
But for what it's worth - and this is not a quibble - there is no comparison (for me) between those decisions and the decision to go with Truth or stay with the ego (brought up by Liz in the last paragraph). Going with Truth implies you know what you're gonna get, you've been there, you can imagine it easily. I suppose I'll just have to upgrade my willingness and my imagination in order to make the ultimate decision.