Respect Your Will, Respect Yourself
Something that shifted in the past few years after the ego (personal thought system) fell away, leaving its diminishing echo behind, is I started to honor, not the ego itself, but the mind behind it. My mind.
Honoring my mind showed up as allowing the ego to have its responses without judging myself for them. I didn’t realize at the time that honoring was what I was doing. I had undone guilt (see my book, Releasing Guilt for Inner Peace), so I no longer felt a need to judge myself for the ego’s judgments. I no longer feared the ego, because I no longer felt guilty about it. I simply found that if I pushed away egoic responses they lingered and if I allowed them, they dissipated. I had no idea that this was how to respect my own mind! But of course it was. The ego was a part of my mind, even if false. Letting it have its say was how I respected, not the ego, but the will behind it. And that was me.
I think of my identification with ego as the “little will”. It’s like I broke off a bit of my True Will, laid the ego over it, and identified with it. In that identification, I confused my will with what was willed—the ego. So it felt to me like letting go of the ego would be letting go of myself—my will.
But I didn’t lose part of myself when the ego fell away, because it was just a thought system. And that awareness has dawned as I slowly reclaim the little will as part of my True Will. I grow in my awareness of my Strength and Power.
Whether I experienced the Awareness of Truth or the ego, it was my will. This means even in weakness—identifying with the little will/ego, and all that that entailed—I was exerting my will. I obscured this from myself by thinking the little will wasn’t my real will. It wasn’t my Whole Will—but it was my real will. What I willed was false—but what willed it, is real.
Now that I feel this, I understand I made a choice, first to identify with the ego, then to let it go. It was the choice between What I am and what I made. My mind, my will, has been wholly in play the whole time. If I don’t respect that, I deny my own power. So I don’t look back, as the smoke it left behind continues to dissipate in my mind, in regret at having chosen the ego. I was fully at choice; that was my power all along.