Last week I wrote about the void left when the ego (personal thought system) fell away. What I mean by “void” is that the structure around which my mind organized itself is gone. I grab for familiar handholds and find them missing. This leaves me with the sensation of free-falling through space. Sometimes, however, I experience this as liberation.
Obviously, since I can observe this and write about it, it indicates my whole mind is not a void. The ego only merely occupied a place in it after all. It really was only a thought system—an arrangement of ideas for looking at myself and my world as a person.
What disguised the void for a while, rather unsuccessfully, is the echo of the ego remaining in my mind. It is unsuccessful as a disguise because it, rather than the Awareness of Truth (Holy Spirit), is now the “other” in my mind. It feels as though it is floating in my mind, rather than that it is my mind. It yells into the void, trying to fill it with what used to be there. But it simply cannot. When it is triggered it feels familiar to me, but no longer like me. However, it’s still something I want to deal with because the thoughts and feelings persist beside my Peace, distracting me from It. The triggers are resolved quickly, though, as I put into practice my old tools (see my book, Releasing Guilt for Inner Peace). This takes just minutes, or at most, a few hours. And even as I’m doing it, I feel I’m dealing with a shell rather than something of substance—something I used to feel was me! I am aware of far more Me around the void and the echo of the ego in it.
However, sometimes I’m aware of the void as a void. I habitually reach for those structures of the ego that used to hold self-identification in place and I find they are no longer here. These were things like self-concepts and values and thoughts of myself in time. I sometimes have the thought, “I don’t exist anymore!” There’s a big, gaping hole where I used to be, and when I grab for what I was I feel I’m falling into an abyss.
Of course, what I mean is, I don’t exist as I used to. Or, really, as I used to think I existed, because I’ve always existed as I am and I always will. What I am has no beginning and no ending. And that’s why sometimes I experience the void—the lack of a structure for an identity—as liberation instead. This is something I can get used to!