Unwinding the Guilt/Fear Habit
Sometimes I feel that what A Course in Miracles teaches is just for this stage. Only now do I get immediate results putting into practice what I have practiced for 35 years. But, of course, I actually always got results. It was just the time between practice and accepting its results has shortened considerably. It took years! Then months, then weeks, then days. Now its hours at the longest; usually minutes, if not instantaneous forgiveness.
When I first became a student of ACIM, which was the start of my spiritual path as well, I had direct Revelation and higher miracles that showed me that what ACIM teaches is true. From that time on, all I was really doing was coming to accept what I had seen, that Truth (God) is true. I made the mistake for the longest time of thinking I had to relearn this and that I had to choose Truth over and over. But Truth had come to my awareness and didn’t have to do so again. It was not in my ongoing conscious awareness, but I had seen It and could not forget It. I sometimes thought I was lost and “off the path”, but, no, everything I did from that time on was part of my path. I did not have to learn of or choose Truth again, but simply accept It.
This didn’t become clear to me, however, until I was in the period of settling. This is when I realized all I had done until then was prepare for the real undoing of my belief in the ego and the acceptance of Truth in my conscious awareness. But that preparation was essential. Everything I had learned to practice was for just this undoing. Just like an athlete who spends thousands of hours in training to develop the body memory for the actual contest, all those years of practice have come down to now truly seeing that guilt and fear are not real (forgiveness).
But, boy, are they deeply ingrained beliefs! The hard part was not the ego falling away. It is unlearning the habitual knee-jerk responses, postures, and outlooks I took from it. I fall into various forms of guilt, fear, doubt, distrust each day only to go, “Wait…this again…” over and over. Not only do I have to unlearn them, but also my old response of looking deeply into them to find their root cause, which I have seen is gone. Last week I wrote that I can trust that forgiveness has come. But, really, what I see over and over again is that I do trust that forgiveness has come.