Watching the Vacillations of Consciousness

            This is how I thought it was: There is an “I” here that has two thought systems it can choose between, ego and Spirit. It vacillates between these two thought systems.

This is what I have discovered is how it is: Consciousness here is like a neutral space that holds two “I”s, ego and Spirit. Consciousness does not have an “I” of its own. It does not have agency; it cannot make choices. It registers either ego experiencing ego or Spirit experiencing Spirit.

In words, this may sound like a nuanced difference. After all, there is one thing here registering two different experiences. But experientially, it is a huge difference.  Relative to how they feel now, ego and Spirit felt muted before. Now, it is as though two entities or beings—I can’t think of better words to express the presence of these ideas that have taken form—occupy the space here called consciousness. And as each experiences only itself, it is as though there are two diametrically opposed worlds here that do not intersect.

This discovery explains so much of the experiences that have occurred in this mind (consciousness) For example, how it could register two simultaneous yet conflicting experiences, something here at peace and something here in conflict. And why it has not felt that Spirit was attained. Ego went on a spiritual journey but Spirit took center in consciousness. These are two different things.

I was told that after the shift in consciousness called enlightenment, awakening, or realization that I had five years ago when Spirit bumped ego from the center of this consciousness, that the “momentum” of ego would “wind down.” I have found this to be true. While ego’s characteristics have not changed, its power has diminished in these five years. Spirit is moving into conscious awareness more and the real world emerges.

Ego feels like a vast machine that occupied the center of this consciousness and is now…sure enough, winding down. Apparently, only ego registers the pain of ego and the experience of this pain being mitigated by Spirit was simply consciousness registering less ego and more Spirit. The more awareness of Spirit in conscious awareness, the quicker it seemed that ego was overcome—that a trigger “wound down.” But now that the whole apparatus of ego has fallen from center, it is not just that triggers wind down faster, but they happen less and with a lot less power.

This has been fascinating. What is ego that it works this way? And what does it say about consciousness that ego works this way in it? I wait to learn more.

I have come to see that my shift five years ago was the third, not the second, time of Christ in Liz’s life. I was aware of a mystical episode at twenty, when I picked up A Course in Miracles. But I have since recalled a time of Christ in conscious awareness when Liz was a child. It was almost totally forgotten, yet there is no sense it was repressed.

It also does not feel that in those two earlier experiences of Christ, that ego was so resistant that it somehow “won out” over Christ. It was simply that Christ was here in conscious awareness and then was not. And ego continued as the center of consciousness.

There is nothing here choosing between ego and Spirit. Ego, in its false sense of autonomy, seems to make choices. But it makes them within itself, not for consciousness. And they are self-delusions. If something is or is not to happen with or for the person, it will or won’t happen. The rest is just ego’s story of personal motivation or fear. That is how ego makes it seem it is an autonomous will apart from the whole. That is how ego makes it seem that it and consciousness are real.

So, I can only conclude that ego must play itself out and those other times of Christ it was not done.  For now—maybe there is more information to come—I assume that these vacillations between ego and Spirit are the expression of the Atonement—the idea of not-God (ego) and the Idea of God (Spirit) shifting around in consciousness. Spirit moves forward, then ego moves forward, Spirit moves forward, then ego moves forward…

Will ego wind down completely here and only Spirit be left? I do not know. I do know its power has wound down considerably, through no effort of anything here.

What is different this time from the other two times of Christ is that Christ has taken the center of consciousness. And this time, I am fully aware of what is occurring. But, I can only watch what unfolds… 

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