2023: Further Sorting Out Illusion from Truth

           As many of you know, over five years ago I experienced what I call The Break, which was the shift to Spirit-consciousness that begins with ego death. (You can read about it in my memoir.) I understand this process to take 10 years, so I am just over halfway through. As the year is ending, I thought I would catch you up on what has gone on in this mind this year. I record and report my experiences and insights for those who may shift and experience ego death themselves, although for no two is it exactly the same.

I was told that after an experience like The Break, ego remains but “winds down.” To start, this mind was very dark. After about two and a half years, it slowly began to lighten, and discomfort and difficulty to lessen. This year this mind became significantly lighter. There are still difficult episodes, but these pass much quicker. The power of ego does indeed wind down.

This past year began with a review of Liz’s life. This was not a review of major life events but seemed to be revisiting what ego felt living through Liz during ordinary, mundane occurrences, like sitting in a classroom in fourth grade or napping on the couch in my childhood home. Sometimes these feeling memories were intense, as though I was there.

 Most intense of these experiences was a specific point in Liz’s life, when she was seven, which was revisited again and again, and involved recovered memories. It was a time when Liz had a mystical experience (the details not yet recalled) and spent perhaps two years with a delightful conscious awareness of Spirit coming and going. This threatened ego and brought the split mind to conscious awareness. Because it came at a time when Liz was first introduced to the harsh realities of the world, it also resulted in ego conflating codependency with spirituality, confusing illusion and Truth, spiritualizing consciousness—something that continued until recently.

Before these memories began to surface a couple of years ago (as I wrote the memoir) I thought my first mystical experiences were not until I was twenty and picked up A Course in Miracles. It turns out Liz’s whole life belonged to the manifestation of the Atonement.

I will probably write about what I discovered about ego co-opting spirituality in articles early next year.

The past five years this mind has been dominated by a deep reveal of what ego is and how it works. In the past few months, ego and Spirit have become so clearly delineated in this consciousness that they seem like two entities or beings here. This review and delineation can only have come about because Spirit replaced ego as the center of consciousness, so ego can be seen apart from consciousness. When ego was the center of consciousness, they seemed to be the same thing, obscuring ego—to itself. It is ego that discovers all that ego is. It is ego going on a life review. It is ego that experiences ego’s death.

Recently, I had a significant realization that has relieved much discomfort in this winding down process. When The Break occurred, I felt I was moving into a new life. There was much loss, materially, emotionally, and of course ego death, so the sense of a new start was a consolation. Yet, there were no experiences I could call a positive beginning. I seemed to be steeped in loss. This perspective of a new start remained until a couple of months ago when I realized these past five years have all been an ending. Once I saw that, so many experiences that I could not reconcile fell into place and much confusion and pain fell away.

Moreover, I saw that there will be no new beginning. Spirit is always here. It does not begin where ego ends. It continues. Spirit emerges from behind ego as ego winds down.

Basically, this year was further sorting out illusion from Truth. I discovered how much more I experienced was ego than I knew. In fact, I discovered long-treasured experiences I thought were Spirit were ego. This includes experiences I’ve had since The Break and in which I found comfort. However, when these illusions fell, there was more relief than pain.

And I now recognize a feeling that has been here all of Liz’s life, and that felt as though it would come to fruition in the future, was ego projecting its ultimate triumph. In the realization that this is not to occur, ego sees it has no future. It sees its end.

Ego’s ending is very uncomfortable for ego! This consciousness merely registers this. Consciousness is not ego, as ego would have it be. It is just a space in which ego has played out. Spirit is also here, coexisting with consciousness.

Stay tuned. More experiences and insights to come. In some of them, I hope you find validation or understanding.

Have a Happy New Year! 

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