When Forgiveness Does Not "Work"

         My mentoring and life-coaching clients run the gamut from those trying to nail down the theory of A Course in Miracles to those who would like guidance dealing with a situation in their life. The latter often express their attempts to forgive a person or situation in their life, personal or at work, that they find painful. They want to know what they are doing wrong because, no matter how willing they are to forgive the situation, nothing has changed. Forgiveness isn’t “working.” They expect either a person or situation to change, or to change themselves and to no longer care that they are being abused or manipulated. When I tell them that perhaps they should leave the painful circumstances in which they find themselves, they are surprised. They seem to expect me to tell them that they are blocked or somehow not truly forgiving the situation. Doesn’t the Course say that they should not run away but stay and forgive? Aren’t they the problem, aren’t they projecting?

In the Course, forgiveness refers to recognizing that what is appearing is not real. And projection refers to ego’s giving meaning to what is appearing, making it seem real. So, true forgiveness means seeing that the world is not real, not just accepting this as an intellectual idea. Until you do see this, practicing forgiveness means asking for Spirit’s help to see the situation differently and for guidance in handling it, as Spirit is What in you knows what is and is not real. And as the situation is not real, there is no reason you must stay in it. When you reach a point where you truly want to forgive, it means you have outgrown the state of mind that led to you being in the painful situation in the first place. Ego thrives in situations of lack and loss and dysfunction and disorder. As you advance in your trust in Spirit, you will have less of those in your life because you will not be attracted to them, and you will have boundaries to keep them out.

Of course, some situations are complicated, and there may be practical and emotional reasons why you do not want to leave a painful situation. You may need that job where the boss is verbally abusive and manipulative. You share property and children with a spouse you have discovered is cheating on you and that you still love. Sometimes, too, Spirit knows the circumstances will change on their own, and suggests you stay put. If it is not time to leave a situation, Spirit will work with you to accept and, if possible, improve your circumstances and/or the way you look at them. Spirit meets you where you are. When you truly want to forgive, forgiveness always “works”—you find relief of some kind.

Oh, I cannot tell you how many times clients have gotten an answer from Spirit—the same one I’m giving them again—but they didn’t trust it because it didn’t seem to line up with what they thought the Course says! Frankly, what they think the Course says is that they must sacrifice and yet not feel it as sacrifice. Yipes! If your reading of the Course does not lead to relief from guilt and fear, you are reading it with ego, not with Spirit. 

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If you have a question the answer to which you feel may be helpful to others, send it to Liz@acimmentor.com and indicate that you want it answered in this newsletter/blog.

Comments

will said…
This comment has been removed by the author.
11:15 PM
will said…
I begin to see acceptance comes before either enlightenment or forgiveness. You can't exorcise yourself so to speak. I have tried to pull the egos hatred of self out by the root with little success. If you have lived a rough life you want peace with the past. There are isolated sentences where Jesus eludes to our coming here to experience this life by choice. For me it seems that it goes first acceptance, then enlightenment, then forgiveness. So much of the course is 'post' enlightenment.
9:52 PM
will said…
Alludes
10:04 PM
Unknown said…
I'd be one of those trying to 'nail down', not so much the 'theory' of the Course, but the direction of the curriculum. There is vantage gained in an elevated view of it from above the battleground that brings understanding to its message where it appears contradictory. The contradiction inherent in the ego's framework is where it needs to be seen, where is as is, that misperception be corrected. Acceptance of corrected misperception is the Atonement. The ego's thought framework, wherever it is impostor-ed, is where the proper use of denial needs to be applied.

Like many, for many years I tried doing the Course the ego’s way, and by that I mean trying to learn it with the teacher whose classroom remains within the ego’s framework diametrically opposed to the truth. It took 20 years after I first picked it up before I was ready to TRY TO KEEP THE ERROR and return to the Course, attempting to use the error as a recommended "forgiveness opportunity" to be overlooked by pretending it's not there.

Ten years on from that, the clarity the Course promised in place of redundant controversy came by way of instruction that led to applying the truth of the teaching to the teaching itself. The considerable investment of over a third of a lifetime given to learning the truth arrived with irrefutable clarity. Nothing else matters but the truth. Only the truth IS true, and what is false, and yet remains in the Course, is false. The only question to consider is; does one want to keep the controversial or seek clarification - the choice between Heaven or hell, and only one is real. God placed the solution together with the problem, not to keep the problem but, to allow its correction.
9:26 AM
Anonymous said…
Thank you for this article. I thought I gotta stay and try to work out through forgiveness before I moved on. But the situation itself is repeating that I had to do again and again and I thought maybe I was not forgiving enough. Share a personal life example, I stayed with my partner and his family for years and they had an issue with hoarding stuff in some rooms. I felt my partner wasn't much to help. This is my 6th clean of the garage and I had a lot of rage thoughts I tried to forgive my rage thoughts and hoped this was the last time but my body was like its enough, I need to go because this will be not the last time. “ Ego thrives in situations of lack and loss and dysfunction and disorder” hit the nail! So to me, I feel that I need to practice forgiveness every time and hope the situation will be better. It's better for my mind in some way but not the situation. I know that I need to remove myself from this situation so I can focus on my spirituality and my life. I need to figure out how to remove myself from this situation while I have a child with my partner from Spirit not based on an Ego perspective. It's hard to get a clear message from Spirit. I think with an ego like to get a job, save money, and then find a place but I don't feel inspired to do that. What's the best way to tune in to Spirit?
6:43 AM
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