Ego as Insert

         Six years ago, when this consciousness shifted, I began to see ego as something inserted here in this consciousness, something foreign. I couldn’t quite grasp the bigger picture then and it eventually faded as other things came forward to be seen, experienced, processed. A few months ago, I became strongly aware of ego as an entity or being that lived here, asserting its reality through the person of Liz. I saw more clearly than I had yet that this consciousness and ego were not the same thing. Neither are ego and the person of Liz the same thing.

Over the past year, I saw what fell away at the shift, which I call The Break, was what ego is before it takes any shape, the denial of truth; the denial of pure consciousness. Through denial, ego seems to carve out a being from beingness, an experience of existence at odds with pure existence. Ego’s denial of truth also included denial of its denial, because after all, if you admit you are in denial, you admit what you are denying, and you are done as a denier.

Ego’s denial of truth split this consciousness into a conscious awareness and an unconscious. It blocked truth (pure consciousness) as well as many of its own aspects from conscious awareness, pushing them into an unconscious. The experience of ego-as-existence that arose from this dominated this consciousness and seemed to be all that it was until pure consciousness began to rise to conscious awareness. From then on, this consciousness seemed split between these two consciousnesses, ego dominating conscious awareness, and pure consciousness rising more and more to conscious awareness, sometimes vaguely, sometimes strongly.

Over the decades of a split consciousness (mind), twice I had “holy relationship” experiences. In the first, I felt I saw my self reflected in another. That self was not Liz, nor was it ego, it was something that I thought I had not been consciously aware of until then. I was a seer looking into a mirror and seeing my self. It would turn out that this was the second time truth rose to conscious awareness here, but the first was forgotten for decades. This time, truth was never wholly forgotten (pushed into the unconscious) again.

In the second experience, at first I saw my self as the beloved in the other. Later, I saw simply my self—not a reflection, not a beloved, just  my self. There was no differentiation between the seer and the seen but for this mild experience of subject (seer) and object (seen).

In both cases, it was understood that the other involved was not significant because the kind of seeing was not ego’s seeing and the other involved was simply incidental—though ego tried to make them significant.

I now understand that these experiences, although of truth, were shaped by ego as an insert in consciousness. Ego seemed to split consciousness from itself, turning it into a subject—conscious awareness seer—and an object—formerly unconscious seen. In these episodes, ego fell for a moment and this consciousness consciously saw pure consciousness and recognized its wholeness. So, the appearance of ego in consciousness seems to split consciousness from itself and when ego drops for a moment or an episode, consciousness sees its self initially through that split (subject/object) before integration. Without ego, there is no true self or self as the beloved for pure consciousness to see. There is no subject/object. There is just what is, pure consciousness.

I have shared over the past year that I have come to see that this consciousness is merely a space that registers the presence of either ego or pure consciousness. This consciousness was never ego and never entered into ego. Ego is a foreign idea that impinges on consciousness but never becomes or enters into consciousness. I now realize that what I was seeing was that ego is an illusion! It is more correct to say that this consciousness registers the appearance of ego or pure consciousness. And when this consciousness registers pure consciousness, it is merely registering itself, with which it has yet to fully integrate.

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