Hell Passes Through

            I wrote the article below and then hesitated to send it. It’s nothing new, just a summary of what has been occurring in this mind. But it is dark and I am not out to scare anyone. I do feel, however, that an honest record is useful for those who may go through the same thing. There is also a lot of misunderstanding about the enlightenment process, and some have la-di-da expectations. La-di-da does happen, but after darkness passes through. On the other hand, there are those who think every difficulty they face is the enlightenment process! That is also not the case. Enlightenment is a distinct experience, not the cause of every difficulty one faces.

           What I consider enlightenment is when pure consciousness breaks into conscious awareness to stay, causing ego to fall away in what is usually a distinct moment when it is clear that something is gone. For me, there was a long approach to that experience, which I call The Break or The Shift, as pure consciousness rose slowly to conscious awareness and ego grew more and more uncomfortable. There was a mix of light and dark experiences. (You can read about this in detail in A Memoir of Christ: A Student of A Course in Miracles Awakens.) It is rare that enlightenment occurs without preparation. And it is rare that enlightenment occurs at all. More common are experiences of pure consciousness rising to conscious awareness for a moment or even an episode. But if these mystical experiences are not accompanied by ego falling away, they are just glimpses of pure consciousness.

 

 

Sometime in 2011, while meditating, the Enlightened Mind (pure consciousness) was here. It had been here before, but this time it was different. It was right here and  I knew it wasn’t going to leave. I knew this was important, but I did not understand its true significance until years later when I found in my journal while writing the memoir that my perspective changed after that experience.

I was confused at the time because it was clear that something here remained in a process. So, I was There, but something was still churning. I was aware of the split mind more than ever. At first, I mistakenly thought that something in a process had to “catch up” with what had “already arrived.” But it wasn’t long before it became clear that the Enlightened Mind was whole and perfect and wasn’t missing anything. The something that was in a process was ego and it was never going to catch up with the Enlightened Mind. It would have to fall away.

From then on, ego grew increasingly uncomfortable. And then in 2018 there was The Break, when the distinct experience of existence that is ego—what I have called the ontological ego— fell away in a moment. I have come to see that what fell away in that moment was the denial of truth that is the essence of ego. Truth was here to stay in conscious awareness, so denial couldn’t stand. Denial was gone, so ego was gone. But something has been left behind to be undone and “wind down”, what I have called the psychological ego. Denying truth meant ego was hidden as well, because denial must be denied or it is no longer denial. So, all that ego is has risen to conscious awareness as it falls away. This has been hell.

Weakness, disorientation, grief, guilt, rage, terror, emptiness. Insanity, basically. These have been some of the experiences that have had to be ridden out. They loomed dismayingly large and almost at full power at first. But it would have been worse if I didn’t know what was going on—the context of enlightenment—as well as know, if dimly, that they were occurring in a larger field of peace and wholeness. Oh, they still occur but their power has wound down.

I have found there is a physiological component to this. For example, a jolt of fear will lead to a pounding heart as well as all the other yucky feelings caused by adrenaline, which for me has always included a sense that I am losing my mind. This induces more dark thoughts, and a vicious downward spiral of dark thoughts causing more adrenaline which would then cause further dark thoughts and feelings would occur if I didn’t recognize what I was experiencing was adrenaline and let it work its way through my system.  Hell is rather hard on the body.

This is what this experience has clarified: This bit of consciousness called Liz—represented by a body and personality—is merely a neutral space that registers the presence of either ego or pure consciousness (truth). The denial that is ego seemed to carve a being out of beingness (pure consciousness). Ego seemed to be “someone” and projected this onto the person of Liz. The denial is gone, so ego is gone, so it seems as though “someone” has “died” here. But not Liz, the person, but something that seemed to occupy her. Liz continues, revealing that ego and the person are not the same thing. The person continues as a neutral expression of consciousness.

 The mind (individuated consciousness) and the body (including the brain) seem to have been conditioned by ego, and this takes a while to come undone. Ego (hell) rising fully to conscious awareness on its way out is part of this. Ego’s power diminishes as this occurs. And pure consciousness (heaven, or la-di-da), a vast, quiet space of peace and wholeness, emerges further into conscious awareness (see the last few articles in this blog).

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