Wanting the Ego

What seems to be the fear of God is really the fear of your own reality. (T-9.I.2)

When I wrote about the terror of losing my individuality I felt returning from my last revelation (see Unsettled) I was writing about the terror of ego, which isn’t me. It was the exact same feeling as the fear of death at its most extreme, yet I saw that there is Something in me that doesn’t die. The fear of death, then, is really the fear of loss of ego, and what but ego could fear that? I only experience the ego’s fear in direct proportion to how identified I still am with the ego. Even as I felt that terror my feet were firmly planted in the peace I have acquired. I could not have looked at it otherwise, because before this peace I would have thought that losing the ego was losing me and would not have been able to cope.

To look upon the fear of God does need some preparation. Only the sane can look on stark insanity and raving madness with pity and compassion, but not with fear. For only if they share in it does it seem fearful, and you do share in it until you look upon your brother with perfect faith and love and tenderness. (T-19.IV.D.11)

Some have written to reassure me I will not lose my individuality, that I am a unique spirit and that my specialness will continue even in God. But I always trust my own experience over what others tell me and when I experience God directly there is no individuality, there is no “I”, there are no “parts”, there is only an endless Completion beyond what words can convey. It is complete bliss and there is no corollary in the world. And I do not find the idea that my individuality continues reassuring! The specialness of individuality doesn’t hold a candle to the infinite light of God’s Oneness. The highest level of completion in an individual state – Christ consciousness – is still not the Completion of God. It is the last step you take in the world to prepare you to be lifted out of the world.

Yes, the Holy Spirit can use your uniqueness and it does acquire a special purpose when you have let go of using it for your own purpose. But it is a means, not an end in end in itself.

The Holy Spirit needs your special function, that His may be fulfilled. Think not you lack a special value here. You wanted it, and it is given you. All that you made can serve salvation easily and well. The Son of God can make no choice the Holy Spirit cannot employ on his behalf, and not against himself. Only in darkness does your specialness appear to be attack. In light, you see it as your special function in the plan to save the Son of God from all attack, and let him understand that he is safe, as he has always been, and will remain in time and in eternity alike. (T-25.VI.7)

For the ego, individuality – separation – is an end in itself. It is its existence. I would not have experienced the fear of loss of ego if I had not experienced the contrast of this existence with the Wholeness of God. I was relieved to experience God’s complete indifference and unawareness of the existence of ego. It removed any remnant of fear that God would punish me for choosing to be separate from God. What I am left with, in my ego-identification, is fear of God not because I will be punished (one of ego’s favorite lies), but because I will lose the ego.

In one sense the ego's fear of God is at least logical, since the idea of Him does dispel the ego. (T-4.V.3)

This is my obstacle now: The belief that the ego still has some value. Why does the ego have value for me? Certainly, it is a miserable experience. In searching my mind, the only answer I can find is I value it because I made it. I still have to learn that what I am is much more valuable than what I have made. And then I will be willing to let go of it.

Your individual death seems more valuable than your living oneness, for what is given you is not so dear as what you made. (T-13.III.5)

What we value is real to us. I value the ego and so it is real to me. And as long as I do so, I cling to separation from God, to guilt and to fear.

No one can look upon the fear of God unterrified, unless he has accepted the Atonement and learned illusions are not real. (T-19.IV.D.9)

You have projected guilt blindly and indiscriminately, but you have not uncovered its source. For the ego does want to kill you, and if you identify with it you must believe its goal is yours. (T-13.II.V)

I have chosen God by choosing the Holy Spirit as my guide in the world. I value the Holy Spirit, but not enough yet. Now I must be willing to experience the Truth more and more and the ego will fall away naturally.

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