Without Guilt, Clarity

This intersection of perimenopause in the self’s life with the falling away of the belief in guilt from this mind has made something very clear to this mind: Much of my sense of personal identity was determined by hormones. Much of what I thought of as “me” was just mere moods passing to and fro because of chemicals washing over the brain.

Of course, I am simply describing the human female experience. Before this stage in this mind’s awareness there was no disentangling itself from the human experience. And the belief in guilt rode the hormonal ride, compounding the darker aspects of it. Only without the belief in guilt can I (this mind) see this, because the hormones are still there causing occasional darkness of varying degrees, but there is no belief in guilt to convince me there is something inherently wrong in me that needs to be fixed. At first, especially when it hasn’t happened for a while and/or it is subtle, I am sometimes deceived. But I always return to the awareness that there is nothing to fix. The darkness, like every other human experience, just needs to be observed and allowed to pass. It all does.

I made the mistake, too, of thinking when the self’s moods were balanced that I had “succeeded” or I was at peace. But that, too, would pass, because hormones would surge again and bring me down again and I’d feel I was a failure or had something to fix again.

I realize now how much I looked to passing feelings for guidance. I looked to them to tell me about myself as well as sometimes to make decisions. It was so real to me, what else did I have? Even when I sought a Higher Guidance I would then turn to the self’s feelings to determine how to judge the Guidance!

Not that any of this matters. This is not about right or wrong or good or bad. It’s just about clarity—and relief—gained. It no longer matters to this mind what it uses to guide the self because however it is guided it is all equally meaningless. And, anyway, what’s going to happen is going to happen as an expression of an idea that was over long ago. What is there to do but watch—and learn that there is nothing to judge?

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Comments

hannah said…
ever less squashing of the human <3 this makes me happy to read. experiencing clarity has always brought relief; i have actually felt somewhat guilty about enjoying it! it sounds crazy now i write it out, but i had this feeling i shouldnt.. need it? shouldnt enjoy it so much!

so.. being at peace.. what i am hearing is that you are experiencing peace not as 'being happy' or feeling calm even, but as not judging, or rather, as not believing the selfs judgements? peace has nothing to do with the self, but is.. resting in the fact that only the truth is true.

am i off on any of that?
ACIM Mentor said…
Miss Hannah, you've done it again. You have put my experience in new words. Yes, I am experiencing peace as not judging rather than as personal happiness or calmness.
nicci said…
... in deep gratitude to you both for your words this morning ... hannah, your addendum was just the clarifying i needed. endless L, n
hannah said…
oh you are welcome nicci x

Liz.. no email at present (my internet company like to keep us on our toes!) and i wanted to tell you.. reading this here has been part of a miracle experience. involving fishing a magnetic poetry tile out of the bin. it was "be". it was wonderful, experiencing peace without the GOLDEN as such. i can see now that in the golden it easy to kind of.. still believe in the perfected self as part of the experience. but this.. accepting of the non perfection of the self experience, means i dont have to be 'somewhere in particular'-'at a destination'-'in a state of complete acceptance of only the truth as true' (ah, dont know if thats clear!) to be at peace. its all the same.. not real! and its all the same.. not guilty!!!

in deep gratitude to your honesty liz.

Christine said…
Very clear, thank you, thanks!
hannah said…
wow, this really is a doozie..

i have had a solid few days of feeling i was 'succeeding' because i was finding it easy to not judge where the self was at in its moods. today i am well and truly premenstrual and turning inward to the truth is having a much less noticeable relaxing effect.. the belief in guilt still in my mind is suddenly very apparent! it is still a relief to know what is going on though! having written this here, im back in trust of the process.. feeling maybe another layer of grief in recognising that True happiness does not come to the self. recognising again that specialness stands between this mind and peace.. that alluring, impossible idea that the self can be perfected, so happiness can be found through it! (Alluring unless i am in an awareness of Truth, in which case im relieved that Truth and not-truth cannot blended!)

ah, now im back in peace again, even though i still feel like ive got a whole mob of 'roos loose in the top paddock!

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