Without Guilt, Clarity

This intersection of perimenopause in the self’s life with the falling away of the belief in guilt from this mind has made something very clear to this mind: Much of my sense of personal identity was determined by hormones. Much of what I thought of as “me” was just mere moods passing to and fro because of chemicals washing over the brain.

Of course, I am simply describing the human female experience. Before this stage in this mind’s awareness there was no disentangling itself from the human experience. And the belief in guilt rode the hormonal ride, compounding the darker aspects of it. Only without the belief in guilt can I (this mind) see this, because the hormones are still there causing occasional darkness of varying degrees, but there is no belief in guilt to convince me there is something inherently wrong in me that needs to be fixed. At first, especially when it hasn’t happened for a while and/or it is subtle, I am sometimes deceived. But I always return to the awareness that there is nothing to fix. The darkness, like every other human experience, just needs to be observed and allowed to pass. It all does.

I made the mistake, too, of thinking when the self’s moods were balanced that I had “succeeded” or I was at peace. But that, too, would pass, because hormones would surge again and bring me down again and I’d feel I was a failure or had something to fix again.

I realize now how much I looked to passing feelings for guidance. I looked to them to tell me about myself as well as sometimes to make decisions. It was so real to me, what else did I have? Even when I sought a Higher Guidance I would then turn to the self’s feelings to determine how to judge the Guidance!

Not that any of this matters. This is not about right or wrong or good or bad. It’s just about clarity—and relief—gained. It no longer matters to this mind what it uses to guide the self because however it is guided it is all equally meaningless. And, anyway, what’s going to happen is going to happen as an expression of an idea that was over long ago. What is there to do but watch—and learn that there is nothing to judge?

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