Nothing to Judge in the Unfolding
A couple of weeks ago I wrote how I (this mind) could not have accepted that the self’s life in the world is an expression until I no longer believed in guilt. Why, I wondered? I do speak to students who hear that the self’s life is not a cause for a future effect, but an expression of an idea long since over. And they feel immediately released from guilt and from the pressure of having to make something happen. But before I stopped believing in guilt I could not access that relief because I could not understand, much less accept, the idea. Why did I need guilt removed first?
It was because the idea meant I was not in control. And if I was not in control, I could do nothing to mitigate my guilt and that meant I could be subject to horrific punishment for it. In other words, I could not accept the forgiveness offered in the idea because guilt was too real to me. This was all unconscious, of course. It showed up as my being unable to understand the idea. It simply made no sense to me.
Now that guilt is gone, though, it’s like I knew it all along! Certainly, I had learned along the way to trust my intuitive sense of where things were going (or not going, as the case may be) in this self’s life. I had learned to find the flow instead of to resist it. But I found this just because it was easier to live in the flow. I changed my behavior, but not my beliefs. I lived in a confused mangle of “there is a flow to the universe I can find and live in” and a belief that “I am autonomous and my choices are mine alone and they have real consequences”. I felt one thing and believed another. I was conflicted until the guilt dropped away.
Lately, I notice when I am under attack from the ego (personal thought system) it always contains at least a nugget of the idea that what I am doing has significance for the future. What I’m doing is a cause for a future effect and I’d better get it right or my life in the world, and/or the world itself, will go horribly wrong. I don’t have these thoughts. It’s just a feeling and I find those thoughts when I examine the feeling. No wonder I used to be so controlling! What a horrible burden.
Now I switch it around: This that I am doing is only an expression of a past cause. It is not for a future purpose. It is part of a larger unfolding I can just watch. And--foom!--the ego attack drops. There was every reason to judge what I did when I thought it added to or mitigated guilt. Of course, at minimum, I doubted that whatever I did was “good enough” to mitigate guilt. So my choice was doubt or outright certainty that I did add to my guilt. But when I recognize that what I’m doing is just what I’m doing, it’s part of an unfolding, there is nothing to judge.
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