Truth Rising to Conscious Awareness
I recently read Jan Frazier’s, “When Fear Falls Away”. She asked for fear to be removed and woke up the next morning to find the ego (personal thought system) gone. Then she went on to write about the effects of this and all that it taught her about her mind before and after. Reading her experience validated mine, and though my experience is unfolding in a very different way, her story has helped me to understand mine better.
I didn’t have a sudden awakening where I consciously recognized what had happened. In fact, some of what she realized after her sudden shift in awareness I have realized slowly over the past few years. For me, the experience of the ego (personal thought system) falling away has been a slow dawning on my conscious mind that this has occurred. It is as if, when it comes to my conscious awareness, what she realized suddenly has been dawning in slow motion.
I’ve only realized in the past few months how new things are in this mind and for how long they have been so. It was over four years ago that the ego fell away and for a long time I was only dimly aware of new experiences and a new way of seeing. Much of this was chronicled in these articles at the time. I simply did not realize how significant the shift was because I didn’t have a conscious moment of stark contrast where I could say “yesterday I saw that way; today I see this way”.
In August of 2017 things did shift consciously for me when the Golden Light came into my conscious awareness. At the time I thought It was signaling something new coming, not the dawning in my conscious awareness of what had already occurred unconsciously. I’ve written a lot in the past couple of years about how, as spiritual students, we put too much emphasis on what happens at the conscious level. We shift unconsciously toward Peace and we don’t know how much until we face something that makes us aware. I thought I was writing from my past experiences of discovering this. I didn’t realize I was writing about what was going on with me at the time!
I finally caught on earlier this year that the ego had fallen when I was moved to make a radical transformation in my outer life. As I dismantled my outer life I was aware of old habits of thinking that still hung around in my conscious awareness. An echo of the ego is still showing up as shallow, knew-jerk responses that are quickly resolved, but that are clearly still here in my conscious mind. I simply have not let go of turning into the void where the ego was to ask it who I am, what things means, how I should respond, etc. And this is how I make its echo. When I look deeper, however, the bottom drops out, and I cannot find the actual ego.
I have rolling insights throughout every day that signal to me how close I am to the Awareness of Truth. Insights and shifts (miracles) are not stepping stones to Truth, but are the evidence that Truth is in my mind. They are the effects of Light dispelling darkness in my mind. However, their result is only to spiritualize the personal experience. They shift my personal experience, but they do not transcend it.
I have moments, hours, days, of transcending self-identification in conscious awareness, but I do not stay there, so I have not yet transcended it completely. It is like the thinnest thread is still tied to self-identification. I feel so close that I cannot imagine it won’t fall away, too. However, I also accept that perhaps that’s not my role to play. I am aware now that I am a part of something larger that lives through me. I am not independent of it. It may well be that, for this mind, at the conscious level, for whatever reason, it never will totally drop self-identification.