I Will the Process
Last week it came over me that I have chosen everything that has happened to me. I saw that I shaped every part of it. I felt this clearly and felt how empowering seeing this, as with so many of my recent insights, is. And then it hit me: What needs to be empowered? The little will.
And in a moment I saw that where others have famously let go of the little will all at once and become egoless, I am still exerting it in this slow-motion release. I am responsible for how long this is taking. And I always have been. I am the one that made what could take an instant into a process. I said, in essence, “Yes, I will go to Truth—but on my terms.”
“This is a course in miracles. It is a required course. Only the time you take it is voluntary. Free will does not mean that you can establish the curriculum. It means only that you can elect what you want to take at a given time.” (T-Introduction)
Thirty-five years ago I became a student of A Course in Miracles and very quickly had a direct Revelation, higher miracles, and a Holy Relationship. All of those were experiences when I was either in Truth (Revelation) or aware of It (higher miracles, Holy Relationship). And yet, I didn’t stay in Truth. Instead, I embarked on a process of learning to trust It. This wasn’t necessary—except that, clearly, for me, it was. I could have accepted the Awareness of Truth and become egoless, but I wasn’t willing to. That’s all it comes down to.
Certainly in my identification with the ego (personal thought system) I could say I was threatened by Love. And I was very fearful. Terrified, in fact. But I was afraid of Love because I chose fear. I chose to exert my will in favor of fear over Love. And then I felt fearful; then I was afraid of Love.
Five years ago I came up against my little will when all but the echo of the ego fell away. The little will is the echo of the ego. It’s all that remains of it. I felt then that I had reached an impasse and walked away, only to grow increasingly uncomfortable. I had more and more experiences of detachment; of being a ghost in the world. What I am had come, but I couldn’t let go of what I thought I was. I entered a very awkward hybrid state.
Twenty months ago I allowed The Golden Light of Love to come into my conscious awareness only to, again, embark on a process. Any guilt, grief, fear, etc. I have felt in relation to choosing a process over an instant of release is also an exertion of the little will.
This hybrid place is a very distorted place. I have a ton of insights, but they are just the effect of the Light being so close. They’re interesting, but they do not get me anywhere. The ego’s echo rebounds at me from all directions, so much of the time I have thoughts and feelings I know not to trust. My judgments are all over the place, distorted, and untrustworthy. They are illusions exerted by an illusion, and I can see that now.
Increasingly, as the echo asserts its values, I feel “I am no longer that.” Increasingly, I have moments of knowing I am Spirit. The deeper I look into the echo, the more I see it is just an echo, because I see I already chose Love; the ego is gone. Only in my conscious awareness does the illusion of a little will persist. And I cannot choose against it, because it is my will. I can only watch my habit of exerting it wind down.