Perfection Was Not the Point For This Mind
I embarked on this spiritual path because I wanted to know Truth, even if it meant learning something I didn’t like. I assumed that, even if Truth was something I didn’t like, knowing It would bring me a measure of peace because, well, the Truth is true. I figured that it was not knowing Truth that led to conflict so only knowing Truth could bring any real and lasting peace. A Course in Miracles seemed to be the path given me to find this. I spent decades building my awareness of Truth and undoing my obstacles to It. This is what I understood ACIM to teach.
There were certain forgiving (as ACIM teaches forgiveness) thoughts along the way that fostered peace in me. “Only the Truth is true” and, when presented with anything that upset me: “Truth is untouched by any of this”. I felt a shift toward peace anytime I used them. (I still spontaneously take a deep breath of forgiveness as I feel the truth in these thoughts). The awareness in these thoughts helped me to undo guilt, my chief obstacle to peace.
One day in the 20-aughts I realized that Peace had come to stay in my awareness. I realized this was the same as being aware that the Holy Spirit (the part of my mind that is the Awareness of Truth) was always with me. It wasn’t perfect Peace, because I still experienced fear and conflict, but, no matter what else was in my mind, I was aware of Peace. After that, Peace only grew in my awareness and the boundary between me and the Holy Spirit evaporated.
I felt I had reached my goal of being aware of Truth. Since I always had access to Peace, what was going on in my conscious awareness became less and less significant to me. It seemed that was only a concern of the ego (personal thought system), which nitpicked my every mood and judged every gradation of Light and dark in my mind.
After the ego fell away I became aware that its echo (the habits of thinking like it and with it) only seems to remain in my conscious awareness. In the past few months I’ve become more aware of other non-dualistic teachings that seem to emphasize some sort of perfection of conscious awareness. Sometimes in emails or discussions with others on non-dualistic paths I get the message from them that the experiences I have written about in these articles particularly these past two years are “wrong” or “miss the mark” because they don’t line up with what they’ve experienced or read about from others. Often these students seem to be aiming for a perfect state of conscious awareness, which I do not have. But that was never my goal, either personally or from the Holy Spirit, though I did expect that my awareness of Truth could lead to a conscious state of unshakeable love and peace and joy as an effect. Perhaps it is because of my experience of direct Revelation of Truth that it never occurred to me to seek a perfect state of conscious awareness because, while it is a True Consciousness and seems desirable, it still is not Truth Itself. It is just the flip side of the consciousness coin, where Truth is, as ACIM points out, beyond consciousness (perception). (It calls Truth Knowledge).
I have often said this path has not unfolded the way I thought it would, but I meant in the details, not in the overall goal. You cannot help but form expectations as you hear and read about others’ experiences. But keep in mind your expectations are shaped by your goal. What do you want? Is it to be aware of Truth because It is the Truth? (Which was my goal). Is it to be aware of Truth to attain a perfected state of conscious awareness? Maybe it’s just a perfected state of conscious awareness with or without an awareness of Truth. Search your heart on this, because that’s where you sense where you will end up.
Sometimes students ask me, “If you died right now would you be satisfied?” the answer is, yes! This has been true for quite some time. In fact, I did “die”, didn’t I? The wholeness I felt in the life and consciousness that fell away from this mind was a feeling of completion. I had met my goal. I was aware of Truth. I had Peace and that It wasn’t perfect in my conscious awareness was not significant to me.
This new state of consciousness I’m in, which, right now, is a hybrid with one foot in each “world”—it’s sort of a bonus life, isn’t it, since I met my goal? I am always “here, now”, it’s automatic, and simply unfolding for me, so it is goal-less. I am happy to be where I am. It is very interesting.