Slow Awakening

            My favorite story about Buddha is where he was out walking one day when a man saw him and noticed something different about him. The man asked him if he was a prince and Buddha said no. So the man asked if he was a magician and Buddha said no. “What are you?” the man finally asked. “I am awake,” Buddha responded.
            What does it mean to be “awake”? In the past year I have written about the huge shift in me and in some of my articles I mentioned how I am aware that the ego (personal thought system) has fallen away from all but my conscious awareness. I can’t find its structure in my mind, only its echo—habits of seeing and thinking left in my conscious awareness, which fall away quickly once recognized. My trust in the Awareness (Consciousness/Perception) of Truth (Holy Spirit) grew over the years until the line between me and It began to blur. But I have not sustained this in my conscious awareness.
            My conscious awareness is what I’m aware of in my mind and in my perception at any given moment. We think of someone who is spiritually “awake” as someone whose awareness of Truth extends in their conscious awareness so that they live in an expression of Love and Peace and Joy. Really, they live in a world totally unlike the ego’s (personal thought system’s) world of lack. But another aspect of being “awake” is being fully conscious of one’s mind as well.  I have had the sensation in the past few weeks of more and more of me “coming online”. I have felt aspects of me that were put aside as their usefulness was sorted out return. I have become aware of parts of me that I have denied in one way or another. I have become aware of just how “asleep”—in denial—I have been.
            Of course, conscious awareness is limited and there’s only so much you can, or need, to hold in it at any given moment. But, to be truly “awake” means to put no limits on what you are willing to have in your conscious awareness. It means having no guilt/fear blocking the way of what needs to be in your awareness so you can be wholly present to the moment as it unfolds in and extends through you.
            To be truly “awake” means to be fully aware of your responsibility for what is unfolding. Let me make clear here that the “you” that is responsible for what is unfolding is not the “you” you feel you are as a “dream figure” in the dream. The awareness that you are responsible for what is unfolding is the awareness that you are not the dream figure, but rather the dreamer. You have a feeling of choosing, wanting, or agreeing with what is showing up, and though it may feel personal, you do not live in isolation from the entire unfolding story. Except maybe in flashes of insight, you will not be in touch with this awareness while guilt and fear still seem real to you. To the ego, responsibility = blame (guilt) and leads to fear of taking responsibility. But, in the Awareness of Truth, responsibility = fact, and it is empowering to acknowledge you are responsible.
            I watch as I sometimes habitually choose sleep—denial. A form this used to take was dwelling on the past or fantasizing about the future.  But I got over that long ago and what were left are the more subtle forms “sleeping” can take. These are what I now watch come into focus so I can let them go. They are hard to characterize for myself, much less for others, but I know what they feel like. I am not present or I am not taking responsibility for what is showing up or I imagine that at some time I will be so different that I will not feel like me anymore.
            I’ve written a lot lately of watching the echo of the ego fall away in slow motion. I am learning what it was in minutiae in the process and unlearning the habits of identifying with it. What I am really saying is I am not experiencing a dramatic “awakening” where I wake up one morning and find the ego gone and my mind suddenly quiet. I am slowly, consciously, waking up.

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Christine said…
Yes...I was visiting someone this past Sunday for a short visit...this person seems to exhibit extreme harshness, lack of peace, criticizing everybody, defensive, etc....but I never react to her "vibe" she is always displaying. We are not close friends so I see her on occasion. The other day, my state of peace bothered her so much she asked if I smoked pot!!! Ha ha ha ha!! Instead of being insulted, I laughed because I took it as being so hilarious, I don't even drink! I don't feel drained like other people who come in contact with her...I don't fight with her, or roll my eyes. It's not the mini "me" personal sense body thing that has worked this out(not that it ever could in Reality)'s the ME who is my Mind guiding me, her, everyone...if It is allowed/made Aware of. If you listen to her, it is just that call for Love she is crying out for. Nothing new! I'm not there to fix her, or anyone...just I feel more and more aware of My Peace now. Thanks for all of your posts, Liz.
Anonymous said…
Yup, slowly. Going along, experience peace, yes and resistance, yes, then peace, more resistance, more peace than bam! Your peace gets rocketed! Grief plays and guilt is seen as temptation but not believed. I sense my learning being reinforced maybe? Responsibility not personal but responsible for what I made. Damn hard! Why go slowly I ask myself?

Thanks Liz, always here.
Overall, the experience here is Oneness watching Oneness. Sometimes it is Oneness experiencing through Cairn....who is a dream character appearing in Oneness.

Feel free to substitute the word God for Oneness.

Liz, do these statements match your experience? (Substitute the name Liz for Cairn.)
Deb said…
I just read Cairn's comment as a "dream catcher" vs "character" and somehow that strikes my experience.

ACIM Mentor said…
Cairn, I would say I experience Being being and observing all that is unfolding, which includes feelings, thoughts, perceptions, and the perceived. There is no distinction between the observer and the observed. There is no longer "me" and the "life" I seem to be living. I am everywhere, because the world is in me instead of me being in it. This is why it feels like such a "new" world!

I don't know if this says the same thing. If by "Oneness" you mean "Wholeness", then I could use that word for Being as well. (I equate "God" with "Truth", Which is beyond the perceptual experience).
Anonymous said…
Damn, u enlightened yuppies make me feel like a sack of SHITE
brother said…
Hello Will. Be good to yourself today.
will said…
will said…
Ahh brother, I hadn't seen the post before yours.
will said…
And fyi: I made amends on line to the lady and asked her to return. I felt I had been too harsh. I hoped she and I both learned something. I know I did. But that's all you get. That event is no longer a part of my life.

As far as the post above, God knows I can write better than that. That is some kid venting.
hannah said…
'roo, liz..

by 'i cant find its structure in my mind', do you mean you cant find BELIEF in the thought systems structure? you cant find a self supporting/validating system? just ephemeral 'fairy-tale stuff' that disappears when you look at it?

must say, LOVED this post!
ACIM Mentor said…
Who is this Hannah person? Been a long time...

Erm...I guess the last? When I turn to focus on it, poof!, there's nothing really there. Just like the afterimage left on a retina...
Thanks Liz. I appreciate your comments.

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