Boundaries and Spirituality
I used to feel guilty setting boundaries. Boundaries are the lines we put around ourselves for our own comfort. When others do not respect these boundaries, we boot them from our lives. For example, “You must treat me with respect to be in my life”; “You are an adult and you must act like one to be in my life”; “I’ve asked you to stay out of my business and if you can’t you must get out of my life”; “You must take responsibility for your own actions or you cannot be in my life”, “You must follow the company’s rules or be fired”, etc.
When I was growing up, what I learned from my mother (what I was teaching myself) was how to be an emotional rescuer. When I embarked on a spiritual path my lack of boundaries became even worse. For some reason I equated being spiritual with being a doormat. Naturally I attracted other adults who were looking to be rescued. I found their neediness to be such a drag on my energy that I didn’t care to be around most people. I was angry and irritated much of the time. Of course the problem was me. I didn’t set and enforce boundaries because I felt I was supposed to “save” others. I was taking responsibility for them.
The Course teaches us that we are responsible only for our own salvation. Because of my previous learning it took many, many, many years for me to become comfortable with this. The guilt was tremendous. But the Holy Spirit taught me that my mistake was not in building boundaries but in taking responsibility for others. Others belong to the Holy Spirit, not to me. When I turned people over to the Holy Spirit an amazing thing happened – I developed boundaries without guilt and the “needy ones” faded from my life. The irony is that since I learned to detach from others’ egos by seeing the Holy Spirit in them I don’t need the boundaries as much!
I’ve noticed a propensity in others on a spiritual path to make the same mistake. Perhaps I attract them because of my own past experience. The ego loves extremes and some people will read what I just wrote and think they should never help others. Not at all. I help those the Holy Spirit guides me to help and I do it without effort because it is really the Holy Spirit Who helps them through me. And I know that that makes me truly helpful.
www.acimmentor.com
When I was growing up, what I learned from my mother (what I was teaching myself) was how to be an emotional rescuer. When I embarked on a spiritual path my lack of boundaries became even worse. For some reason I equated being spiritual with being a doormat. Naturally I attracted other adults who were looking to be rescued. I found their neediness to be such a drag on my energy that I didn’t care to be around most people. I was angry and irritated much of the time. Of course the problem was me. I didn’t set and enforce boundaries because I felt I was supposed to “save” others. I was taking responsibility for them.
The Course teaches us that we are responsible only for our own salvation. Because of my previous learning it took many, many, many years for me to become comfortable with this. The guilt was tremendous. But the Holy Spirit taught me that my mistake was not in building boundaries but in taking responsibility for others. Others belong to the Holy Spirit, not to me. When I turned people over to the Holy Spirit an amazing thing happened – I developed boundaries without guilt and the “needy ones” faded from my life. The irony is that since I learned to detach from others’ egos by seeing the Holy Spirit in them I don’t need the boundaries as much!
I’ve noticed a propensity in others on a spiritual path to make the same mistake. Perhaps I attract them because of my own past experience. The ego loves extremes and some people will read what I just wrote and think they should never help others. Not at all. I help those the Holy Spirit guides me to help and I do it without effort because it is really the Holy Spirit Who helps them through me. And I know that that makes me truly helpful.
www.acimmentor.com
Comments
When she's "sorry" it seems I've lost all resolve to have a boundary and forgive her. Why? Because I think she is reflecting back to me a very important message which is I have no respect for myself. She is right.
I should probably thank her for this insight rather than dismiss it and call her behaviour inappropriate. Isnt it just me projecting on my own child my own guilt and fear? Maybe I'm the abuser? what do you think?
I ask because the boundary issue is the bain of my life. I have enough understanding now that I dont take responsibility for other's neediness or save them but still I'm a doormat.
Jacomina
I am honestly trying to understand how I feel when I hear her state this kind of thing.
Confused for sure. Pain for her as well.
I have asked the Holy Spirit to intervene and lead me into the solution to this "problem".
Thanks Liz
I have asked the Holy Spirit to use this situation to teach me Truth. And that I am willing to see the Truth. What can I expect now?
You state the following 4 requirements:
1)Keep your mind open
2)Trust that the answer has been given
3)Trust that I will receive, when....4)I keep my mind open
No problem. And no expectations.
just grateful as ever jacomina