Questioning Does Not Necessarily Mean Tossing Out
When I was very young I realized that I didn’t feel love
when others loved me but rather when I loved. This is why I was a nurturer. I
had learned, though not in these words, that what I give I receive.
When I was twenty I became a student of A Course in Miracles and read that lesson in those words. But I
made the mistake of thinking that ACIM could not be talking about a lesson I
had already learned. Helen Schucman was in her fifties when she scribed ACIM.
Certainly she had to have already learned this lesson? Maybe this meant
something else? So I took the lesson deeper and learned that it was saying, as
it says elsewhere more plainly, that I can only give to myself.
My mistake was thinking that I could not know something at
twenty that someone at fifty had yet to learn. Of course we do not all learn
the same lessons in life. And even when we do we do not learn them in the same
order. A twenty year old can know
something that someone at fifty has yet to learn. I was young and inexperienced
and insecure and didn’t trust my own learning. I also felt ACIM was so radical
that it couldn’t also contain mundane lessons. Another mistake. Yes, in its
ultimate teaching that the universe of form is not Reality it is radical. But it is also meant to be
used in a mundane world. It was answering Helen and Bill’s call for a “better
way” to be in the world.
This is only one example of the mistake of thinking I
couldn’t already have learned some of ACIM’s lessons before I picked up the
books. Many ideas in ACIM were wholly
new to me. But those that were not, those lessons that I had already learned, I
questioned. And I questioned every other lesson I’d learned and continued to
learn in life. This should’ve been a good thing because it could’ve opened my
mind. Questioning means one considers the validity of what they have already learned.
If the lesson is valid then questioning it strengthens it. If the lesson isn’t
valid then it is tossed out. But questioning does not mean that one inevitably
tosses out what they have learned. And this is what I did for a long time. I tossed
out, or at least distrusted, all that I had learned and continued to learn
about the world and my experience in it. My mind was closed, not open.
What ACIM actually teaches is that I should bring lessons to
the Holy Spirit to determine what is useful and what is not. But since I didn’t
do that for a very long time I drifted through the world unmoored. I think I
thought that this was spiritual! But in fact I was just lost because I didn’t
trust my own observations and experiences. When I finally did allow the Holy
Spirit to guide me through the world I found my experiences and observations in
the world were validated by the Holy Spirit. Most of it was useful. I found
common sense prevailed. I found my footing again and felt grounded in the
world. It turned out that being grounded in the world is not un-spiritual; it
is the result of spiritual awareness. I was not going to transcend the world by
denying my observations and experiences of it. I had to first accept those
before I could begin to transcend the world.
The funny thing is, these mistakes led me to look deeper
into ACIM’s teachings. I kept thinking that it couldn’t mean just what it said
on the surface. And I found that deeper meaning every time I sought it with the
Holy Spirit. I found a singular, profound, cohesive message that I eventually
expressed in my translation of ACIM into plain, everyday language. Oh, well.
Even our mistakes have their uses if they are given to the Holy Spirit!
>>>>>
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Comments
id much rather talk one on one with you about this liz, but it will be a while til i can, but i have quite a few questions. well ive just deleted many paragraphs, i dont know where to start.
ok.. well, i dont bring lessons to the holy spirit to determine what is useful and what isnt, or at least.. i dont think so, or not often? ive not managed to get my head around what thats process actually IS. nothing i have tried has led to a feeling of being guided.. maybe im misunderstanding that sentence. ive noticed that when im fairly relaxed and not over thinking life tends to flow more, it feels like nice things happen for people through me etc, but im not bringing decisions to holy spirit when that happens, im just feeling realxed. i was wondering if you could describe the process you went through which led you to start doing.. whatever it is, as well as telling me or pointing to other blogs which do so, what bringing lessons to the holy spirit to determine what is useful, actually IS.. what are the feelings, what do you do or cease doing?
i want to keep going, but i think thats enough to start with!
im seeing how the above questions tie in with feeling unmoored and drifting. i can feel the simpleness behind the complexity sometimes, which is why the line "I found a singular, profound, cohesive message" is so reassuring.
Your mental contortions are just manifestations of your fear of the HS. So find just one small area in your life where you are not too afraid to let in the HS and when your trust grows there you will naturally extend it.
'The outcome of the guidance is not important. It is hearing and learning to trust the HS that is the point of this practice. This is how you learn that It is real.'
ok, that really does make me feel afraid! um.. its like, i always ask HS to help me remember truth and see true being in people and myself when i get upset in a situation. some examples the election in america gave me insight into how HS has been helping me (it still kinda feels like that, though i know im not actually turning to something else, outside) as i had nightmares when tony abbott was elected here. that was only a few years back, and the difference in how i felt about every aspect of the process these past months has felt just awesome. i have given a few family relationships to HS and my judgements are dropping away bit by steady bit. and i usually trust that that will continue. but if i think of asking for help that involves the selfs greater enjoyment in ways that arent purely about being more loving mentally then it feels like.. oh what IS that!? i was going to say at first just that it makes me feel like im misusing something, and failing to learn a lesson of being happy where i am in life as it is now. but then i got a wave of feeling, really strong, and it was fear that HS simply wouldnt help. and the feeling was i really should know better so HS will ignore me, not out of cruelty but to teach me to focus on whats happening in my mind, not whats happening in the world.
so there is this great amount of love and gratitude in my mind around HS, but i still feel that HS's support will be conditional in the name of not supporting attachment to form, for my own good. if i think of asking for help for example in knowing what to do with my time now that i no longer feel attached to hermit-dom, but dont want to rejoin the workforce yet (the question of what would i like to do now has been driving me bonkers!) i feel shame.
I began by asking the HS only spiritual questions relating to ACIM. After about 5 years I realized I was always answered. So I decided to try other areas of my life in the world. I don't remember what the first one was. I think I tried everywhere but was inconsistent. Then I'd find I had whole pockets of my life I never thought to turn over to the HS (like money, about which I had so much guilt I was sure It was going to deprive me). But slowly, over the years, I gave everything over to the HS.
One thing I saw in hindsight: The HS wanted my trust so It was not going to ask me to sacrifice nor was It ever going to ask me to do something "for my own good". Of course It flowed with me and what was authentic to me. It did not ask me to do things that were not natural to me or would frighten me.
No, I no longer ask for guidance. I live in the guidance. The HS is no longer "other" for me.
'The HS wanted my trust so It was not going to ask me to sacrifice nor was It ever going to ask me to do something "for my own good". Of course It flowed with me and what was authentic to me.'
and the last sentence is relaxy-balm! oh, well, there you go! i just recalled an experience i had only a few weeks ago, id pretty much forgotten it (youd really think that was impossible!) so thank you so much for this reinforcement. my friend and i were driving, and the thought came through my head 'if you could ask for anything, what would it be'. after the initial thoughts of 'ok, be honest.. id like a partner and for taran (nephew) to be happy etc, i kind of bounced my way through layers of thought/feeling til they stopped bouncing, and my heart was pounding and i was shaking. i was sitting with a feeling of so much self doubt. mistrust and the belief that i was intrinsically bound to inadequacy and mistakes. and in that state of doubting and fearing myself, peace was impossible. i thought, ok, so if what i really want is peace, and the block i can feel/access now is fear and doubt of myself, then what i would ask for is complete love and trust of myself. we pulled into the destination exactly at that point and a kid on a bike rode past with 'bazinga' written large across his back. the thing was, the feeling of love included the ego self, that white rabbit self that actively wants to go down the rabbit hole.
oh. you know how the course says that when you bring truth and illusion together, the not-truth just fades away naturally? is this an example of that in action? bringing love and ego actually together in this mind in love? i usually try to focus on seeing past the ego to the love that is real behind it. i try and bring kindness and compassion to my mind in regard to ego. um .. like, i try to treat it with love, but i dont try actually loving it, cos its not real! i just try to be gentle with my mind thats believing in it, but remind myself that its not me.. distance myself from it. is it making sense what im asking here? the approaches feel vastly different now im looking at it like that. i dont know if what im asking is clear though.
love extends naturally, and completely, with nothing to do cos it just is all that is. the ego just isnt, and in that belief that lack is reality with love needed to heal it, love becomes a tool for accomplishing something, and so is not actually truly love. and with that limited idea of love projected onto Truth, its not really any wonder i would usually feel mildly chastised when i was trying to let myself rest in god! i was confusing the directing love i was asking about with real love. your response to one of georges comments on your next blog (ooo, time travel!) helped me clarify this. what i have expereinced and projected onto reality as love was love-which-sees-problems-as-real not Love-which-Knows-Love-is-Real. so it felt like 'god' must have to do something to me to show love. and i can see how this keeps my self 'real' and therefor keeps reality away.
im accepting more deeply that the ONLY way to know peace is to be aware of truth. my reactions of sorrow and fear to this are lessening already, and i thank you again for helping me to drop guilt and trust love liz.
i have been unmoored in the world, drifting, for at least ten years now. i work when i want to, volunteer when i want to, and have no structure to my days when i want to. sit in complete boredom cursing my lack of imagination if i want to! ;) while i value what i have been focusing on, im aware that in the worlds eyes and mine i am a bludger on society. i am on a government payment for money, ten years ago i was granted a benefit which means i dont have to look for work, as it was impossible for me at that stage to function in the world reliably. i also didnt want to be part of a world which seemed obviously insane and pointless anyway. i considered opting out, but i thought if i could find something which had meaning to me personally, not what i was told i should care about, then maybe it would be ok. around that time acim came along.
now, i think i could be part of the workforce but i still feel it would feel burdensome, difficult, sacrificial (ego tantrum of not what i want!) (what ever that might be.) but i feel guilty because i know i could do it even if i dont feel its what i want yet, and fear feeling obligated.
i just felt like looking up bludger and this what came up
'bludger
ˈblʌdʒə/
nounAUSTRALIAN/NZinformal
a scrounger.
"just look at that bludger, can't get his thieving hands on the cash fast enough"
an idle or lazy person.
"I suspect there are far more bludgers in jobs than on the dole"'
As for your work situation: You can get past the guilt for not acting and the resistance to acting by asking the HS what you should do. Then you will be off the hook if the answer is to change nothing and you can be certain it will be helpful if the idea is to do something. Just ask, be open, let it go, and see what unfolds.
and THANK YOU SO MUCH X