The Fear to Look Within
Last week I wrote about how the way out of emotions that are
obstacles to being aware of Truth and being at peace is not to deny or repress
them but to go through them. But many people struggle to do this. And that’s
because the first obstacle you encounter is a belief that if you look inward
you will not be able to cope with what you find. Sometimes it seems you fear
you will be overwhelmed by your emotions, but what you really fear is to see the
guilt that you believe is there.
“…Loudly the ego tells
you not to look inward, for if you do your eyes will light on sin, and God will
strike you blind. This you believe, and so you do not look…” (T-21.IV.2)
Guilt is what sustains the ego (personal thought system) in
your mind. It wants you to believe in guilt. So as much as you might not want
to look at the guilt in your mind, the ego is not threatened by you doing so. What
it really fears when you look inward is that you will see past it. You will see
that there is no guilt.
“…Beneath your fear to
look within because of sin is yet another fear, and one which makes the ego
tremble.
What if you looked
within and saw no sin? This ‘fearful’ question is one the ego never asks. And
you who ask it now are threatening the ego's whole defensive system too
seriously for it to bother to pretend it is your friend.” (T-21.IV.2-3)
In your identification with the ego, the first thing you will find when you look inward is your
belief in guilt. That is very hard to look at. But you have to remember that
guilt is the cloud the ego uses to obscure the Light in your mind. You have to
look at the cloud to look through it. You will eventually see it isn’t real.
You will see past it. And each time you look inward and find a belief you
feared to look at and see it is not true, you undermine the ego. The cloud gets
a little less dense and easier to see through.
It is very hard to look inward at first. But the more you
practice this the more you realize that you never find the horrible thing the
ego tells you are there. And it gets easier after that.
>>>>>
I’ve released the belief in guilt in
my mind. So I know the guilt in your mind is only a false belief. If you want
help releasing painful beliefs, email me at Liz@acimmentor.com
to set up an appointment. Learn more at www.acimmentor.com.
If you have a question the answer to
which you think will help others email it to me at Liz@acimmentor.com
and indicate that you want it answered in the newsletter/blog.
Comments
ive been seeing it for a while now, but its been so hard to look at, as its nasty, selfish, and a huge fearful tantrum ,its so wilfully all about me, and a me that is needy, weak, unlovable and unloving. im almost constantly seeing others as abandoning ,e, and my desire to abandon them in return, either lash out then withdraw from them, or to just drop people from my life. it is intense. i can see its always been in me, but just deeply hidden from myself, repressed by my desire to be a good kind person. now im a bit less attached to that image, this other thing feels like its raging in me. im barely able to maintain my respect for people, and in this im seeing that i really dont HAVE a great deal of respect!
and then.. there i am again, briefly back in Love, in deep respect! glad to be looking at what im looking at, in trust.. and then back into guilt, and fear.. withdraw! withdraw! establish a great wall now, before you have actively tried to hurt everyone you care about!
i feel like im going mad.. well.. madder!
i truly am feeling a great love from within, most often like a gentle, quiet and loving background presence, occasionally right here and now with no fear of loss in being present in it. but then.. a storm of loneliness! the fear of loss and abandonment in contemplating letting go of seeking to fill loneliness. the only character i KNOW is that special, lonely hannah. i feel like im trying to kill her, kill something real. im scared! im scared of talking about this with you liz, just us face to face. starting here is chunking it down.
well, im seeing more what you mean liz, by the fear that dropping habits of seeking for wholeness will leave you without a path to wholeness. sure part of me already knows that this would be knowing peace. but here i am in touch with the part that believes that to stop seeking for peace will mean death of all chance of happiness.
right now i just feel shame for exposing my crap. my tantrum, my lack of willingness to accept the inevitable. and yet.. here i am, still typing. hoping i might be able to see past the guilt for holding on so tight to this messy, unloving person who i identify as and am repulsed by? How on earth DOES one stop seeking for wholeness? isnt doing THAT, in itself, seeking for wholeness!??
You have perfectly described the vacillation between the Awareness of Truth (Holy Spirit) and the ego (loneliness, etc.). No need to feel guilty for the ego. It's just a false experience. Don't forget, it's the ego that tells you to feel guilty for the ego! You just go deeper into the fog. Feel the loneliness and the nastiness and all the thoughts that go with it and remember it's just a thought system. Remember the Other experience, even when you can't feel It. It will pass. It always does.
I'm laughing because I caught myself trying to be even more "madder" than Hannah and ready to prove it so with my own guilt and unlovability. hahahha But then Liz reminds us with just a few words that quickly and efficiently point to Truth. Thanks you guys.
jacomina, we could start a 'were all madder here' club, and alternate presidency in a capricious and arbitrary manner ;)
So glad we went. Came back and the panic was off and on for a few years...but I persisted (with the HS...)...but Holy Moly, That was really looking at the ego, in your face, non flinching...got through it.
seriously though, thank you for sharing xx i admire your consistency, and gentleness. you soothe!
After coming somewhat out of this experience I felt that maybe I shouldn't have looked within or maybe I had done it wrongly because I felt so bad and off centre by it. Liz, am I supposed to just sit back and watch my thoughts all the time? Is that all I'm supposed to do? Am I supposed to not dive into any thoughts and let them all go by? I'm aware that I can do that. Is this enough? I'm not sure when I'm supposed to call on the Holy Spirit. Most of the time if I'm just watching my mind I hear Him talk in between ego anyways. I feel I need some structure to this process. It's feeling sloppy. I feel I need more control over the process. I keep getting confused about my part in all this. Can you please clarify all these things for me? Thank you.
im a bit confused though. excuse me liz cos im sure youve answered this question many way/times before. WHAT is looking again?? not wholeness, right? wholeness does not involve perception, choice. is the only way to look at this now, that a mind that can be aware of wholeness or lack is looking? if mind is choosing.. then how can mind be truth extending mind/truth? is mind just a reflection of Truth? like.. the truth in me can be AWARE of Truth?
You only have to address the thoughts that give you an emotional charge. Those indicate you have a belief to look at. Call on the HS all the time. Make It your Constant Companion. Any time you have to look at a thought you should do so with the HS. Your only other choice is the ego, after all!
and i finally SAW the nastiness in me as fear, really expereinced attack as fear. saw it not just intellectually, which somehow never really took the guilt out of it, though it DID made me willing to try and be kinder to myself, to try and apply Reason to my guilt. now, having seen that, its impossible to launch a counter attack on myself! abandonment, attack, being as alone as i can: from within this thought system they are all attempts to be SAFE! 'seeking wholeness' is seeking 'safety'.. and at that point i get back into intellectual understanding. (eg i understand how only a belief in lack can SEEK wholeness, and i understand how identity WITH lack makes ACTUALLY turning to wholeness fearful). i guess, that still experiencing fear, separation and guilt as real, and identifying with them as part of me, limits my understanding to an intellectual one at this point.
i am so scared, almost all the time! and almost everything i experience, the choices i make, come from this place of emptiness, and trying to push the fear away. this is specialness, right, Liz? its pretty devastating right now, to be honest. my loves are the same as my hates, in that they are pretty much all based around fear, specialness. olaugh.. its not AS devastating that my hates arent real.. but that most of my loves and enjoyments are nothing but attempts to hold my 'true' feelings about myself and my emptiness at bay. suddenly it feels hard to trust love, i feel shaken. oh.. what just popped into my head, is hearing ken wapnick say that you cant Actually Love anything you see as unequal, cant love something/one you see as different from you, that its impossible, that doing so is specialness. that Love is knowing sameness.. and im just seeing, that this equates to wholeness, here while perceiving separate minds. sameness, wholeness. i can Trust THAT Love. if what we ARE IS that Love, then i must be sane to Trust It.
oh, thank **** only the Truth is Real! ah, im off to meditate.. yep, still seeking, still afraid.. but who knows what i might find, or lose, in that quiet place! oh, it is so hard not to run! belief in loss feels so solid.