From what I’ve read and heard, when the ego (personal thought system) falls from a mind, what follows is a unique experience. Some things seem universal, like emptiness and varying degrees of disorientation. Also, acclimating to the absence as well as the Peace that comes. But exactly what process a mind embarks on to recognize what happened and to adjust to it seems pretty idiosyncratic. So don’t expect that the particulars that I write about my experience will be your own.
I went into three and a half years of shock after the ego fell from this mind. Three years in, the emptiness, which I did not yet understand, became a delicious Spaciousness. This was filled with a Golden experience of Love. But I didn’t understand why this was happening. I didn’t dare think the ego had fallen. That seemed, well, egotistical! And, moreover, I was still having egoic responses. Only those had become very shallow.
The events I’ve written about lately that began four months ago, however, made it clear to me that the ego is gone and a new Life is beginning in this mind. I began to come out of shock. I had some very surreal experiences with this, sometimes falling back into shock, but it was clear the process of acceptance had begun.
Yet I continue to have egoic responses, shallow and quickly passing though they are. When you cut yourself and it scabs over, the last part of the scab to fall off is the thickest, where the cut was deepest. For me, it is as though, when the ego fell away, my mind scabbed over with shock to protect itself. And bits of the scab fell away over the years, until suddenly this spring a huge part of it fell off. Except for the last, deepest place the ego was attached. This is the part of my mind that overlearned the ego. I call this part the “ego-identifier”. It shares the not-Truth part of my split-mind with the observer (decision maker), the part that learned it could step back and merely observe the ego.
As the observer grew, and learned that it could detach from the ego so it couldn’t be the ego, the ego-identifier shrunk. But it held on tight to the ego to the end. It is the “echo” of the ego left in my mind, still habitually responding as the ego has taught it, but there is no substance behind its responses. They are shallow. They dissipate quickly as I unlearn these knee-jerk responses.
The ego-identifier is what stayed in denial longest and has mostly strongly resisted the transformation in this mind. Because, to it, which has always identified with the ego, the ego’s “death” seemed to mean its own “death”. Many times in those three and a half years of shock I’d have an insight or realization about a shift toward Truth that I felt, and I would think, stunned, “If this is true, then I’m already dead.” The ego-identifier continued to say this even when the rest of my mind was coming to accept that, yes, as far as the ego went, I had “died”.
The question I’ve had is: Does the ego-identifier change and integrate with the observer and the Awareness of Truth? Or is it like the ego, unable to change, and therefore, do I need to release it? One day I turned to the ego-identifier and said, “You won’t cease to exist. You will just exist differently.” And its response was, “Different is death.” I realized that telling the ego-identifier that it would learn to identify with Spirit was like telling a person they could learn to identify with an ocean. The difference in experiences is so stark it is like ceasing to exist. So I concluded that the ego-identifier had to be released.
And I held this view for a few weeks because the ego-identifier seemed rock-solid in its denial and resistance. But something shifted recently. Beneath the grief I’ve felt for all of the people, things, values, and situations dropping in the self’s outer life, I’ve discovered a deeper grief for the loss of the ego. All of those griefs only signal that the ego has fallen. More powerfully, the Golden Love, the Holy relationship, and the Higher Awareness that have come to this mind also signal that the ego is gone. And what would resist these signs and mourn the loss of the ego but the ego-identifier? Grief means it is in a process. That means it can change. It can come to acceptance and catch up with the rest of my mind.
I didn’t expect this grief! I had the expectation, like many others, that when the ego fell it would just be happy happy joy joy as Spirit filled the void. But now I see it is just common sense that a mind used to a way of thinking, and thinking about itself, would have to adjust to that falling away. A Course in Miracles tells us that our minds cannot just return straight to Truth because the contrast would be too shocking. Well, I can understand that, as the ego falling is shocking enough!
Since I’ve recognized this grief, it’s been much easier. I had been flying into brief, but intense, rages, and they have ceased. The other day the ego-identifier said in a very small voice, “I have no purpose anymore. My only purpose was to identify with the self.” Insights into its thinking are openings. It is an odd position to be in, but I am mentoring my own mind! From Higher Awareness I am able to address the ego-identifier like I would a client or friend, helping it through its process. The past couple of days it has been expressing shock over the Holy relationship and my going to Australia! How did this happen? Who is this woman? What do you mean Australia? It’s all too strange! But, though still shocky, it sees these things now. It is catching up with the rest of my mind. In time, it will heal up, its resistance and grief will cease, and it will integrate.
A mentor is someone who walks the path ahead of you. If you want to benefit from my experience and perhaps lighten your process, email me at Liz@acimmentor.com to set up an appointment. Learn more at www.acimmentor.com.
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