Fallen Expectations

Several years ago—I’m not sure when it began—a new understanding of the nature of everything began to creep into my mind. The insights came slowly over time and eventually formed a whole picture for me. These showed up in my articles over a span of time. It began with me understanding, in A Course in Miracles’ language, that there is only one dream, one dreamer of the dream, and that all of us are dream figures in that dream. There is one will living out through what seems to be individual wills. On a personal level I experience desire and choice and they feel like mine alone, but they are this universal will (“the universe”) living through me. Eventually I understood what was unfolding in time was the moment in the Mind of Truth of the idea of Its opposite arising and being instantly undone by Truth’s all-encompassing nature. This is what ACIM calls the Atonement and I call the Undoing.

            What I didn’t realize was that those were not just insights and understanding, but a whole new way of seeing. I shifted consciousness slowly and did not see it until the past couple of years where more dramatic experiences brought this into my conscious awareness.

            After one of those dramatic moments, which I call The Break, I often had episodes where I felt I could almost “see”. I was by then well aware of the shift, but I felt there was a new way of seeing very close by, but which I could not access. I have come to discover that I was already seeing but could not see that I could see! I was expecting something else (which sometimes I suspected), so missed what was right here.

            Oh, I had moments of clear Vision. Those were undeniable episodes of Light and/or Love. But I felt there was a sight more subtle, more day to day, that was just out of my reach. I felt it was blocked because I continued to have strong personal responses to people and events. I allowed my feelings, knowing better than to resist or repress. I accepted them without judgment. And they passed quickly, revealing how shallow they were, leaving no residue. However, I would examine them, find their source, the belief behind them, etc. and each time I’d come to the realization that, really, I was beyond them, and didn’t really have to bother digging down to their roots. I went through this a thousand times. And all along I felt they were an obstacle and I expected them to fall away. Very subtly I had the judgment that they were wrong. I didn’t judge the feelings themselves, but I judged against continuing to experience personal feelings at all.

            And then one day in the midst of very dark thoughts and feelings that I allowed knowing they weren’t real at all, I had the thought, “Embrace them.” I understood right then that they were the expression of my creation and that they were not meant to fall away. What has long fallen away for me is the belief that these feelings are me. And I realized that I have “seen” all along and simply not seen that I can see!

            Here I’m going diverge some from the language of ACIM because I feel these words best convey what I mean. In ACIM, “extension” and “creation” mean the same thing. But in my experience Love feels like an extension of me. Love is the Reality underpinning the world and It is my Being. The world, however, feels like my creation in the sense we usually use the word: something brought into being.

            Last week I wrote about my surprise in experiencing Oneness as a creator. I have been experiencing that far more than I realized. It is my new view. I am the creator and the world is my creation, the focal point being a particular self called “Liz”. And Liz’s personal thoughts and feelings are the expression of my creation. I am Love and my extension (creation) is Love, not in appearance, but in content. And what my creation expresses is Love, again, not in appearance, but in content. I can see this now because I understand I am the creator and I know What I am. The appearance and expression of my creation do not define me; I define their content. I can embrace even the darkness because it is me, not in form or appearance, but in content.

            To relate this back to last week’s article, I am the Author and the “character”, or self, is my creation, or extension, which is why I am also the actor. As the actor I feel the part as I play it as good actors do. My role is a part of the “play”, which means the whole unfolding story of time, of which I am also the creator. I play my role and move on, understanding I am the Author/actor, not the role. I have seen that what I express in my role is what others need, just as a good actor plays her role authentically to trigger authentic responses in her fellow actors. The difference is, I know I am not the character or her responses, where the other “actors” do not know this about themselves yet. This is my new “seeing”.

            Do not try to mimic my experiences! I write this not as instructions in how to see or how to be. Let that unfold for you naturally. But I had expectations of what it would be like to shift up in consciousness. I expected all personal expression to fall away and that expectation was an obstacle to my seeing this new consciousness. What had to drop was not personal expression, but my expectation that personal expression would fall away! What I hope you take away from what I write here is, if you hold it, to release this expectation yourself, so when it happens for you, you will “see”.

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Do you need support for your experiences as you grow your awareness of Truth? Email me at Liz@acimmentor.com to set up an appointment for mentoring. Learn more at www.acimmentor.com.