In A Course in Miracles, the path is laid out in what is called in the Manual for Teachers the “Development of Trust” (M-4.I.A)
After I undid the guilt in my mind (see my book, Releasing Guilt for Inner Peace), I was aware of a dark corner in my mind to which forgiveness could not extend. It was not dark as in sinister, but simply unknown. I could see it and feel it, but I couldn’t access it. I knew I would face it someday.
Two years ago the Love rose to my conscious awareness and I became even more aware of that inaccessible corner in my mind to which It could not extend. Nine months later I experienced what I call The Break. This is when I became aware that I had risen in consciousness. But, still, I was aware of something that blocked the extension of spiritual Vision in my conscious awareness. I knew my consciousness had risen; I simply could not always see this.
For the past year I have had the baffling experience of parts of myself that I thought were gone reemerging. Sometimes this showed up as personality traits that seemed weak, immature, and even vicious. But mostly this showed up as lessons I thought I had learned presenting themselves again with dismaying intensity. These lessons all had to do with some form of guilt, of course. It was baffling because I was sure I’d worked out my belief in guilt, yet here it was! And, in fact, each time I would get into the lesson I would discover that, well, yes, I had learned it after all. It was a tedious experience, occurring over and over: “This lesson? But I’ve learned this. Well, maybe I didn’t. Wait: Yes, I did. There’s nothing here. I truly don’t believe in this anymore!”
All this was unfolding in the context of my feeling I could “nearly See”, meaning I could feel spiritual Vision just out of my sight but could not quite reach It. I wrote a few weeks ago about how I thought I could not See, only to discover that, yes, I was Seeing all along and just not recognizing It.
This came to a head when I fell into a pit of doubt about my spiritual path one day and in the midst of it realized I didn’t doubt. The next day I was thinking about my blocks to Love’s extension and realized I didn’t have any, but I believed I still believed I had blocks. I didn’t have blocks, but something in me wanted me to believe that I still had blocks. On the day which followed that one I had a moment of feeling sick with guilt over something and in the next moment I realized I didn’t believe in guilt at all! This seeming to still believe in guilt was a charade that had been going on—and winding down—for a year. I was finally seeing it for what it was.
Along the way, I was also aware of something in my mind that was shocked to learn that what I have been teaching all these years is true. “The Truth is true? Not-Truth is not true? All this time I was right? Who knew?” It seems this part of my mind went along with my teaching—allowed it, as it were—but never believed it. And as it turns out, the dark place in my mind to which Love and Light could not extend, the part of my mind that told me I had not yet undone guilt, the part that said I did not See, and the disbeliever in my teaching were all the same thing. It was a part of my mind that had never come to trust Truth. It had never come to trust me, which, in the end, was the same thing as I had blended with the Awareness of Truth.
Last week I wrote about how my feeling the self is in a play now is how “nothing real is occurring”—forgiveness—shows up for me. Again, this was right in front of me and I was missing it because of this distrusting part of my mind. It was the dark corner of my mind and, as Light moved into it, became the blinders over my eyes so that I could not see that I can See and I still seemed to see what had long gone. I have spent a year learning again and again that yes, indeed, I do know what I know. I can trust forgiveness has come.